The Life and Opinions of Esther Meroño

Six-Month Recap

2011-11-15T00:44:00.000-07:00

I guess I could pretend that it hasn't been six months since my last post... but I have to explain away my guilt because it's who I am.

For the most part, I've just been caught up with having a life, which is good and bad. My "new" job at SLUG as Editorial Assistant has kept me incredibly busy and happy. I was afraid that I would never find my dream job, because I couldn't ever remember the dream, but this is it. If you wake up every morning dreading going to work, quit now, because believe me in that it'll make an enormously positive difference in your life when you find a job you're happy with.

SLUG is also responsible for my exceptional boyfriend. I started dating the handsome and wonderful Chris Proctor around the same time as my last post (I'm totally putting most of the blame on him for my lack of posting). It was a little awkward at first because I'm technically one of his supervisors at SLUG, but we've gotten used to the teasing, and believe me when I say that when we're at work, it's like we barely know each other... I think Chris was a little bit surprised by how serious I was about remaining professional at work, but I think it's 'cause he's the guy who sits in the back of the classroom chatting with his friends during the lecture, and I'm the one sitting front and center furiously scribbling notes. And this is why I love him :)

Those two things, in combination with my many writing assignments for SLUG, social engagements and moving twice in the past six months, have pretty much left any leftover thoughts and feelings just floating around in my brain while I veg out in front of the TV in the brief dust-settling moments. This is the bad part: This blog and the poetry I used to write in my spare time were necessary outlets. It was me time that I've always needed to stay happy and sane. Not that I'm unhappy without it... just not quite as whole as I could be.

So, since I'm finally settled into a place that feels comfortable, I'm confident in my job and my relationship, I think it's time to bring this back. I don't think anyone reads blogs anymore, so I think I'm going to make this private and if you want to follow it, you'll have to subscribe. Probably not for another week or so, though.

Anyway, I know this post wasn't as fun and sarcastic as you might like it to be (and I'd like it to be), but it's just a warm-up. Thanks for reading, if you are.

Rarities

2011-05-24T02:39:00.000-06:00

Are there any romantics left in this world, or am I alone?

Will You Go To Prom With Me?

2011-04-27T02:20:00.001-06:00

Some pics of me at Bike Prom from various sources. Good times were had... oh yes they were.

The ride had over 100 cyclists show up and was definitely one of my favorite parts of the event.

Me and my roomie Lisa :)

I was in charge of the raffle... but really I'm including this one 'cause my boobs look fucking awesome.

I am a dancing fiend...

Happiness: We're In This Together

2011-04-26T00:21:00.000-06:00

I'm three months in to 24 years of inhales and exhales... Can't think of a better time to go through my quarter-life crisis than now that I'm actually nearing that segment of life.

Not really sure where to begin on this one. I've been at a loss for words lately in my everyday life and it's left me with an excess of emotion just bubbling to get out. My attempts at suppressing and controlling everything I feel have been mildly successful thus far, but I can see it turning into a cartoon cliche soon. You know, the one where a hole gets poked in the water tank and someone sticks their finger in it, but the water finds its way out of another hole and another until there are no more fingers and toes left and the pressure's built up so much that it just blows up and everyone drowns... I kid I kid, I don't think things are to the point where my cartoon life would end in tragedy, in fact, it might be a good kind of wet if that water tank blew up.

Back to the crisis for a minute. I think the root of it stems from a kind of schizophrenic battle going on between two opposing parts of my personality. There's the responsible, career-driven, organized and careful Esther, and struggling to break through is the hedonistic, risk-taking, care-free Esther. These two have been at odds with each other since my teenage years, but they seemed to have found a balance for a while and were satisfied with the path they chose to follow together. The problem now is that the road has forked, and not only do they want to go their separate ways, but they both have incredibly good arguments as to why I should follow one or the other. (I'm not entirely sure where the third Esther fits into all of this... maybe just an empty specter tagging along behind.)

I'll be completely honest here, though the responsible Esther is telling me to shut up as she often does, hedonistic Esther is winning me over. Maybe it's because her hedonism has turned more Epicurean (thank you, Kyle) and my overwhelmed and over-worked mind is begging for a simple life. You'd think responsible Esther would give me a break, but she's the one forcing me to be productive, to think about my future and finances and all the things I dread about growing older. She's the one that keeps reminding me of little Esther, who had big dreams and a ten-year plan that ended with me on Oprah. Happy-go-lucky Esther wants me to forget all of that, quit my jobs, apply for a bunch of credit cards and spend the next five years traveling the world.

Thus the crisis. Instead of dealing with it, I'm staying as busy as possible. I don't know what to do with my life, so I'm doing everything. I'm taking flamenco classes, organizing bike events, working any and every job offered to me, taking on assignments and saying yes yes YES! to anything that will keep me preoccupied... oh and eating. Boy, am I eating. I need to substitute some of that gnawing with running.

These are my fingers and toes that I keep plugging up the holes in the water tank with. Oh shit, I'm getting lonely, better stick a finger in it! (Jesus, you guys are perverts.)

I guess we'll just have to see whether the explosion ends in catastrophe or leads to glorious freedom.

Exes and Ohs

2011-04-19T01:52:00.000-06:00

"You make love as good as you make war."

hahaha Thanks for making my night.

On To The Next One

2011-04-19T00:10:00.000-06:00

A lot of shitty things went down this weekend, hand in hand with the good, but I don't even want to gripe about it. I know, who am I, right?

All I want to focus on is that I had a really great time at Bike Prom. I found the perfect outfit that was fancy but all me. The ride brought out over a hundred people and was amazing to be a part of. I had a lot of fun working the door and trying to hustle people into buying raffle tickets. I got to pick the numbers for the raffle, which was kind of exciting 'cause I felt like I was winning every time. One of the most gorgeous men I've ever met decided he wanted to dance with ME, even though his sexual orientation may not be on my team, but oh my god could he dance and I felt special for a minute and he even asked for my number.

Too Blue For School

2011-04-13T02:42:00.000-06:00

Can you guess what my favorite color is?

Bike Prom 2011

2011-04-12T13:30:00.000-06:00

With no help from me, this event has become HUGE! Hundreds of balloons, professional photos, ball gowns, corsages, and most importantly, bicycles!!!! I'm making this my anti-prom, not going with some stupid date, gonna spend the day with my ladies, buy my own corsage and dance the night away with whoever I want to dance with!

Killed The Lord, Left For The New World

2011-04-11T02:03:00.000-06:00

I want to write a whole bunch of emo poetry right now, but anything not cloaked in bitter sarcasm and dry humor would tell you waaaay too much about me. This is a public blog, after all.

You know why I like lists so much, aside from their obvious organizational capabilities? They're concise, but subtle. They get the point across without needing to explain much (to the list maker, anyway), aaaaand they allow me to get lazy in my writing. Anyway, I have to get this all out...

Bad Stuff:

1. Dating.
2. Slightly overwhelmed by all the places I have to be and things I have to do lately... I'd really just like to focus on one job and spend all my extra time being creative in my own way.
3. Dating again. If there is a god, please get rid of men. Thank you.
4. God, never mind, fuck you.
5. Friends. Anna I miss you so much and this summer isn't going to be the same without you, but I'm really excited you get to go to Spain, even if it's without me!
6. Secrets. Ugh, I wish I could explain this one.
7. Dating!!! Aaarrrggghhh we were so perfect for each other!!! Why?!!!
8. Exercising. 'Nuf said.

Good Stuff That Will Hopefully Make Up For The Bad:

1. Oakland next month.
2. Bike rides.
3. Friends. They have their redeeming qualities.
4. Food.
5. SLUG
6. Blue hair dye.
7. It's almost spring.
8. This Will Destroy You

Pretty much This Will Destroy You + night bike rides + spring - dating = everything will be A-okay.

Too Legit To Quit

2011-04-07T02:32:00.000-06:00

It's my business card, bitches!

I Left My Heart U-Locked In San Francisco

2011-03-31T02:44:00.000-06:00

I don't really understand why people do what they do sometimes. Not that I'm on some higher moral ground or anything. I've let people down, I've caused pain, I've had ulterior motives and bad intentions. I guess the difference is that I always fess up, I'm honest about my mistakes, and I hope that part of me never changes.

Once again, I opened up my heart to somebody and they took complete advantage of the open door. Walked in and trashed the place, really. I should be angry because he made quite a mess of things in a very short time, but I'm not all that upset about what I lost. Mostly I'm really really confused, but also annoyed that I'm going to have to change all the locks, yet again, add more deadbolts, and ask for three forms of ID before I even consider peeking through the peephole (no, that's not some kind of sexual innuendo you pervs).

Enough about him, though, he's really not worth more than two paragraphs, and I'm sorry I spent even that much on him (time is the most precious thing of all, 'cause you can never get that back, right buddy?). Let's move on to all of the awesome things that I'm doing, and all the truly awesome people I'm doing them with!

In case you haven't heard yet, I'm the new Editorial Assistant at SLUG Magazine! It took a minute, but I'm finally getting paid to work my dream job! Not only am I super stoked because my coworkers and my boss are fucking awesome, but I'm actually in charge of stuff, and can't wait to prove what I can do. No one's ever given me this kind of opportunity, and the fact that I get to do it with SLUG is seriously a dream come true.

What else, what else... Oh, random, but the new Whole Foods has pretty much changed my life. More specifically, The Timmy. Now there's a man that satisfies. Grilled BBQ tempeh with ranch, melted Daiya, onions, tomatoes and lettuce on toasted ciabatta, oh god, yes, yes, YES! Uhuh, that just happened.

Even though my trip to San Francisco this weekend was more than disappointing, the city itself left a big impression. I hate to admit it, but it just might have surpassed my love for NYC... it's possible that's only because I'm in springtime mode, though, and SF was green and beautiful. In any case, I can't ignore the fact that it doesn't snow there, which would make life that much more enjoyable. Allie, Lisa and I have started scheming... I need to get Anna in on this, too (just Facebooked her, done).

Well, I'll leave ya'll with this beautiful Spanish rose:

Haha, does anybody get tired of my ego? Or is it still adorable?

Sunshine On My Shoulders

2011-03-13T20:03:00.001-06:00

Today was such a wonderful, beautiful day and in just a few moments, it's going to get better (thank you, Skype).

Allie borrowed my beautiful cruiser and we rode down to Pie Hole for a delicious vegan pie and then decided to cruise around Liberty for a bit. We were both so stoked on the weather and started making plans for camping and trips this summer. It's gonna be a good one!

I'm going to San Francisco in about a week and a half and I'm super stoked. Gonna eat lots of yummy food, have tons of fun, hang out with Zach and spend some time with a special somebody.

3.. 2.. 1.. UPDATE!

2011-03-07T20:35:00.000-07:00

Hmm where to begin... let's make a list, shall we?

1. I've been taking a loooot of cell phone pics lately in an effort to persuade a certain someone to move from his Hollywood haven to the salty streets of this fair city of ours.

Um... hello! Sunsets and cinnamon rolls, who wouldn't want to live in Salt Lake City?!

2. I've been EXERCISING!!! Yes people, that is not a typo, I have been running almost every day, even today in the rain! Of course, I can't just run for running's sake, so I've been running to the bank and store and such so I get some kind of instant gratification out of it...

3. I finally got that new bed and am now living the suite life! hehe get it get it?! Seriously though, my life is forever changed. The only problem is that all I want to do now is hang out on my bed...

Komiko Feng Shui

2011-03-02T01:46:00.001-07:00

I rearranged the furniture in my room today. Mostly because I'm anticipating getting a new bed this weekend, which should be exciting news for me, seeing as how I've been sleeping on a twin for pretty much my whole life. Unfortunately, I've grown somewhat attached to my super soft pillow top twin, and the only time I've ever really lamented its size is when I've had company. I have a feeling my new full size mattress will only serve to remind me that I'm sleeping alone and take up way too much space in my tiny bedroom.

No sense in complaining, I guess, I made every decision that led to my increase in snuggle time with Mr. Body Pillow. He's always down for a threesome, though...

I Want To Go To There

2011-03-01T02:07:00.000-07:00

I was looking through old photos of me today, 'cause I'm narcissistic like that, and found this one:

After getting over the teeth, my first though was, damn those were simpler times... but as I think about it a little more, that's not necessarily true. Sure, I didn't have to make the kind of decisions and didn't have the kind of responsibility I have now, but because of that I also had less control over my life. My parents were always moving us around, whether it was back and forth from SLC to Spain, or just another neighborhood. I was legally bound to attend school. I had to eat whatever was put on my plate, and do or not do all of the little things that come with being a child and living under your parent's household rules.

Now, if I don't like what I'm doing, I can just stop and do something else. I don't think I do it enough, though.

So here's to doing what I want to do.

California Dreamin'

2011-02-23T00:42:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty much the queen of forbidden love. The less chance I have of living happily ever after with somebody, the more intrigued I'll be. So here's to California dreamin'.

Let's Sumo

2011-02-21T13:07:00.000-07:00

This weekend was insane. A lot of "Hey you!"s, midget talk, stressful work situations, chipotle hummus and tattoos! First and foremost, I'll break some exciting news here: I got hired at SLUG! This actually happened a week or so ago, not this weekend, but whatever. After two years of paying my dues, I will finally be getting paid to do what I love! This essentially means I'll be staying in SLC for a while... So don't wait up New York City, I'm gonna be living out my dream job here for a bit.

My birthday this week turned out okay. The storm kind of ruined the party 'cause we were all supposed to meet up at Brewvies and the power went out, but Carla and Anna got me the most delicious chocolate cake I've ever had from Cakewalk. All the non-vegans couldn't believe a vegan cake could be so delicious, which added a little more satisfaction in eating it.

Nick also went above and beyond for my bday, or maybe he was just sick of me talking about my quest for Sabra Chipotle Hummus, in any case, he had his aunt send me some from San Diego! Hands down the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me. (That's my so excited and exhausted I can't even smile right face.)

Carla got me a gift certificate for Journey's in hopes that I would buy some sneakers to run in, but she understands that I had to go with the Macbeths with blue laces instead...

It was one of the best birthdays ever, and dragged on for basically the whole week, which is how everyone's birthday should be! So... are you ready for some more exciting news?!

.... I worked the SLUG booth at the tattoo convention again!


These pics are from my new SLUG friend, Sabrina's blog.

Okay okay, so now for the real exciting news, I got a new tattoo! I wanted to get this as sister tattoos with Carla last year, but she didn't like the idea so we got the bikes instead. I decided I still wanted to get it done, though, and when I saw Uzi's portfolio at the convention, I knew it had to be done by him. I got a bunch of money from my tax return, and it's still my birthday week, right?! So I splurged a little and went in on Saturday for about three hours.

It was a little strange getting tattooed with so many people walking by, but it helped keep my mind off the pain to do some people watching. I had a few friends come visit, including Allie and Andrew and my new friends from the convention, Eric and George. :)

It's on the inside of my right arm, in case you can't tell, and for some reason it's really swollen and bruised, but I'm really excited about it!

Go Shawty, It's Your Birthday!

2011-02-14T00:08:00.000-07:00

Lisa and I are only four days apart so we celebrated our bdays together. I don't think it could've been any more fun. Here are some of the best pics from the party:

The birthday girls.

Me and my hubby. Though it looks like he's kissing me, he's actually blowing the earring clipped onto my nose... We got a little crazy.

Yep, this happened. Tyler DANCED!!!

My wingwoman and I are hooootttt. Watch out, fellas, we're unstoppable.

Lost My Mind

2011-02-05T02:24:00.000-07:00

Just when there's a glimmer of hope.

Year In Review Through Shitty Cell Pics

2011-01-25T18:54:00.000-07:00

Remember when I got that desk job at the end of the summer that paid shit, but had a promising career possibility? Well, all I got out of it was a fat ass and a side of resentment.

Left: Pasta salad I made for bbq and ate for just about every meal for a week 'cause no one else ate any alongside my first attempt at vegan chocolate chip cookies (aka rocks).

Also in August: my first (and so far, last) mountain biking adventure. I'm pretty impressed with myself that this was my only battle wound considering the trail we rode in combination with my nerves and experience level. Oh yeah, did I mention I got this bruise before I even got on the bike? Pedal to the shin AS I was climbing on... It's almost 6 months later and I still have a welt and some bruising 'cause of that damn pedal! Oh... and uh... I had a lot of fun.

After 5 years and lots of empty promises and ruined plans, I am reunited with my Spagyptian! Isn't she gorgeous?! Next time I need a relaxing vacation, I'm going to visit Shabana in Austin. We napped, ate, napped, and did general Spagyptian things, like nap and eat. Wouldn't have had it any other way! Oh yeah, I also became addicted to Sabra Chipotle Hummus, naturally.

NEEEEEEWWWWWW YOOOOOORRRRRKKKK CIIIIITTTTTYYYYY! Didn't I tell ya'll I would make it? Thanks to my wonderful momma (who paid for the ticket as my graduation gift) I had the best two weeks of my life. Anna joined me after a couple of days and now we've both got NYC in our sights. See you again soon, Lady Liberty!

Throwing this one in for your entertainment... My father never fails to amuse me in one way or another. Love you dad!

I got sick A LOT in 2010... probably because I was so stressed and unhappy most of the time. Not this year, though! This year's going to prove my healthiest, I can feel it in my greasy, fat-covered bones!

This is what happens when you throw a big fancy Christmas party in your swanky new apartment and drink a little too much wine and lose track of your phone...

FUCK YOU FRINGE MEDIA!!! What I wrote in my exit interview questionnaire: Though I have extensive writing experience and a college degree, I started as an intern expecting to get a job offer after three months of work. My supervisor informed me that I was qualified and she was more than satisfied with my work, so my chances were good. However, after the three months, I was told there wasn’t enough money in the budget to give me a salary, and was offered a dollar pay raise from minimum wage. This was extremely insulting, as I am making less than a customer service rep, whose position does not require a college degree. I would have left after the three months if I had been able to find a job, but that didn’t happen until now. I have since been told by a former employee that your company has been doing this for some time now, hiring interns at minimum wage with the implication that they will be hired at the end of their internship if they prove themselves able to do the job. This may be an acceptable industry-wide practice, but I don’t think it’s very ethical. Needless to say, my work morale completely dropped after the three months, and instead of getting an enthusiastic, hardworking employee, you got my skills diluted to what I felt $8.25 an hour of work required of me. My suggestion? You obviously have enough work to constitute hiring anther copywriter, find a good one and pay them a decent wage. Either that, or release the intern after 3 months if you don’t plan on paying them what they’re worth, because you get what you pay for.

Now for my awesome new job: pizza slingin'! I named this one "Vegan Love."

Aaaaahhhhh. Life just doesn't get any better than sleeping in. Sweet dreams and happy new year everybody!

Me, I'm Dodging Rain Drops

2011-01-17T14:12:00.000-07:00

Didn't believe it would ever happen, but it has. Folks, I'm in a hip hop phase.

Research

2011-01-07T03:35:00.000-07:00

Blurb

2011-01-05T23:55:00.000-07:00

Life is pretty damn good right now... (That one is for you, Rob.) I've got five jobs, but soon I won't be sitting at a desk all day, and I absolutely love my new job. It makes such a difference when the people you work for actually value and respect you, plus I get to make pizza!

I'm super stoked for this year, I have a lot of great friends and I'm excited to see what kind of exciting romantic adventures will surface. I need some new material for the erotic harlequin novels I plan to write!

Christmas was a lot of fun, got to hang out with family and this year it wasn't about presents, just us hanging out and playing games (and eating vegan tortilla de patatas!!!!) which is exactly what the holidays should be about.

Sorry, this is somewhat of a boring update, I don't have much time to write this week. It's a little late, but happy new year!

Eat My Star Dust, Sucka

2010-12-23T00:03:00.000-07:00

Some people inspire you, others just get you down.

You know what I'm talking about. That friend you have that motivates you to be creative just by being around. Or that guy you dated once that got you off the couch and actually doing things. There have been very few people whom I have been in relationships with, friendship or otherwise, that have given me that extra boost of energy and way too many that did exactly the opposite. Just like Mario Kart, actually, I've run into people that are like the stars and been mauled by a banana peel or one of those stupid lightning bolts that make you small and slow. Did I just use a video game analogy? Fuck me.

Well, none of that matters anymore. I've gotta be my own *gag*cheerleader*gag* and self-starter. All of you suckers who need somebody to make you feel good about yourselves, jumping desperately from one fuck to another, well that ain't me. I'm gonna keep being awesome all by myself, because the truth is, you've just been cramping my style and playing catch up.

I'm ahead and I won't be looking back.

Baby, Let's Grow Old Together

2010-12-22T17:15:00.000-07:00

Apparently, my body hates fun. How do I know this? Well, it likes to punish me after I have any. So, after four straight days of holiday parties, including two extremely crazy nights of sparkly tights, roller skates and cheesy beadwork, I've had three straight days of bed-ridden misery.

Things can only get better, though, so unless I get run over by a bus in the next few days, I'm gonna try to stay positive. I'll make a list to cheer me up:

3 Things That Made Me Go "Yay!" This Weekend

1. Seth and Christine's ugly sweaters... I can't get over how fucking cute those were and I hate cats.

Photo by Andrew?

2. Family photos in front of the fireplace, I couldn't have anticipated how great they'd turn out.

Photo by Tom Fleming

3. What happens when I'm turned inside out... I'm a lot more young and hip than I expected...

This Year I'm In Tears

2010-12-14T17:45:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's the fancy new apartment, maybe it's the fact my new roomie, Lisa, goes all out on Christmas and has decorated our new place with just about everything you can find in the holiday section at the dollar store--along with a very classy tree, I might add--whatever it is, I've definitely got some holiday spirit this year.

I wasn't really into holiday music until a few years ago when someone I dated brought me around through their sing-along qualities. Now that I have a car (YES I HAVE A CAR!!!) and can listen to the radio on my way to work, I've been taking full advantage of the around-the-clock carol channels, along with Pandora's holiday stations.

What I've come to realize? Well, having a boyfriend this time of year would sure help with the deep sighs that unconsciously come out of me every time I hear these songs:

I guess all I can really do is add to Lisa's decorations by peppering our apartment with mistletoe...

Alaska

2010-11-09T23:30:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking about Alaska a lot lately. I really miss her.

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT
By Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Busy Me

2010-11-07T23:41:00.000-07:00

What I want more than anything right now: A hot, quiet bath.

It probably won't happen for quite a while, though. You see, I'm really busy. Yeah, I know, you hear me complain about my many jobs all the time, but let's compare lists, shall we?

1. 40 hours a week copywriting job, for which I worked 3 hours today to catch up on some stuff (though that means I get to leave 3 hours early at some point during the week).

2. New SLUG article to go research, interview, and then write.

3. Finish putting together SLUG Writer's Bible.

4. Edit a friend's medical school essays.

5. Do about 5 hours of homework/writing for another friend.

6. Work at Brewvies at least one day every weekend.

7. Move at the end of the month.

8. Do laundry, buy groceries, feed myself, clean apartment, etc.

9. Help Nate with Velo City business here and there.

10. Find time to go to local events I'm interested in, like Vegan Thanksgiving.

11. Find time to hang out with friends.

12. Reorganize Sundae Shuffle and keep posting on Salty Spokes and Candy Cranks.

Most of these have to be done by the end of the month. I am using up sleep time to write this. I have a feeling I'll be cutting into sleep time a lot this month. So if you're feeling neglected by me, well, I'm sorry, but I'm neglecting myself, too.

Werewolf Bar Mitzvah

2010-10-30T00:18:00.001-06:00

Halloween. My favorite holiday of the year, and somehow it ends up getting botched one way or another every time. Not this year, though!

I think maybe it's because I had zero anticipation. You know, 'cause of the whole in between thing... kind of hard to get excited about absolutely anything. I ended up getting invited to see Odyssey's Thriller up at the U, and that got me super pumped for Halloween and dancing. I was so pumped, I took the girls to go see it two days later! Then there was the whole costume thing. Due to my lack of motivation, I was going to be Bella from Twilight, 'cause I could wear normal clothes while poking fun at Kristen Stewart and those stupid movies. Then I was told everyone in the marketing department at work would be dressing up as zombies, so I spent about $8 on makeup, a dress, and some oatmeal, and came up with this:

This pic is from Critical Masquerade, which was also fun, especially due to all the "Hey, I'm a baaad boy!" calls Anna kept getting 'cause of her sexy cop outfit. I have no plans for tomorrow, but I'm sure something fun will come up! I don't know if I want to stick oatmeal on my face again, though... it kind of hurts to peel off.

In Between Dreams

2010-10-27T00:04:00.000-06:00

So.

My life has changed dramatically since my last post. Not so much esthetically, more... perspectively? It's all New York's fault, too. I was planning on going through a play-by-play of my trip, but I'm going through this phase where I'm not super interested in talking unless it's short and to the point. Does that mean no more tangents? Of course not! Back to New York and perspectives...

I feel like I'm living in a sort of limbo since I got back. It doesn't help that instead of returning to normalcy, I returned with a bad cold which resulted in a lot of time sleeping, which doesn't help much with the whole reality thing. Also keeping me in the clouds was a short-lived romance, and I mean reeeally short. It's dissipation should've been more grounding, but instead I feel even more in between. What the hell am I talking about? Most of you should know by now: I've started planning my move to New York City.

I anticipate some kind of snort or eye roll from 75 percent of you, but those of you who know me really well know that I'm serious enough about this that it will happen. Remember when I said I'd get into the 30 Rock live taping? Well here's this for ya:

Yes, that's Jane Krakowski aka Jenna Maroney. So, when I say I'm moving to New York, it's going to happen. Unfortunately, I don't have the funds for that quite yet, which leaves my body quite empty of heart and soul.

Don't get me wrong, I still love Salt Lake, and I love my family and friends and it's going to be extremely difficult to leave them behind. I just don't see a future for me here. I've already started making decisions that will lead to my eventual move. Lisa and I are searching for an apartment this week, so both of us will have cheaper rent. That's right, I'm going to trade in my solitude for a roomie just so I can go to New York! If you didn't believe me, you do now! I'm also staying as far away from love as possible. Absolutely no males are going to get in the way of this. Of course, it would be nice to take a boyfriend with me to NYC so he can pay half the rent on our ridiculously expensive studio, but considering my constant failure in the dating game and the fact that all men are stupid, hypocritical, lying bastards, I wouldn't count on it.

Well folks, it's my bed time, the only time of day I rise out of limbo and into the world of sexy Pie delivery boys and guacamole-stuffed burritos... Sweet dreams.

Sorry. Not.

2010-10-05T22:53:00.000-06:00

I'm not even close to being ready for my trip and I leave in about 10 hours. I feel the need to get this out, though.

Many of you may have noticed that the past couple of months, I've been reeeally annoying. I am constantly posting on Facebook and sending mass texts about immigration reforms, gay rights, veganism and community bike events. I understand how frustrating and overwhelming the constant spewing of my opinions may be, but... I'm not sorry.

A lot of you know me as shy, quiet Esther, so all of this has come as somewhat of a surprise (well, aside from the rants and ramblings of this blog). Those of you who really know me, and there are very few of you, know that I've always been opinionated and never shut up, but I've definitely stepped it up.

I'm writing this, not because I feel the need to explain myself to those of you whom I have offended, quite the opposite. I'm glad that you feel affronted, that you are taken aback. I'm glad that the fact I'm finally speaking up and fighting for what I believe in is uncomfortable to you. I want you to be inconvenienced, to be interrupted and made to feel whatever it is you're feeling. So you're angry, so you hate me now, so what? Tell me WHY! Tell me why you disagree, stand up for what YOU believe in. For once in your life, care about something other than you and yours and listen and respond to the other side!

I am done waiting for things to happen. I'm done making excuses, I'm done apologizing. So, here's my unapology:

To my family and coworkers: I'm not sorry that I'm vegan and that it's inconvenient when you come visit me or we go out to eat, and I'm not sorry you feel uncomfortable and defensive when eating meat in front of me.
To my "friends": I'm not sorry I use your phone number as a means of marketing my opinions and congregating people, I'm not sorry that you don't like what I have to say and think I've changed for the worst. If you choose to un-friend me because I'm not enough like you, or because I mass text you sometimes (really though?) you're not worth my time anyway.
To my asshole ex-boyfriends (for good measure): I'm not sorry for doing all the things that made me who I am, that you didn't like, and I'm especially not sorry for being persistent and fighting to keep you when I thought you were worth it. Fortunately, I've realized you're not.
To all my family and friends again: I'm not sorry I don't consider myself Mormon, I'm not sorry I don't believe in god, I'm not sorry I have a big tattoo on my chest, and I'm not sorry all of this is unsettling and disappointing to you.

All I ask is that I be respected for the fact that I'm DOING something, fighting and standing up for what I'm passionate about, even if you don't agree with it. Those of you who are upset with me, or disagree with the things that I say and post, please, talk to me about it. I am genuinely curious as to what your side of the story is, and unlike some of you, I'm willing to listen... That's how I got here in the first place.

FM Satisfaction

2010-09-29T22:14:00.000-06:00

Basically, I want to have sex with Ira Glass. I know I'm not alone in this. I've sampled about 5 different podcasts, and none of them are as satisfying as This American Life. Yes yes, you're sick of hearing about it, but I can't help myself.

Anyway, moving on. I'm one week away from my trip. That's right, I have a plane ticket. I'm making dreams come true here, people! My first stop is in Austin, Texas, where I will be greeted by a friend I haven't seen in person since high school graduation... that was five fucking years ago! I don't even care about what there might be to see and do in Austin, all I want to do is revisit our years in middle school together, pigging out and talking about boys. She is, however, thoroughly excited to take me to see the first-ever Whole Foods store in the country. I hear Austin is like the Portland of the South, so my vegan-centric diet should be satiated.

Speaking of food, after four days in South PDX, I will be on my merry way to seven days in the Big Apple, where it seems, food is the main tourist attraction. Whenever I ask people what I should do and see there, aside from the obvious Central Park and Broadway pointers, I get a lot of food suggestions. Of course, as excited as I am for street falafel and pizza, I am even more excited for a tour of Studio 8H, where 30 Rock is filmed, a comedy show at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater, where Amy Poehler has been a regular, and obviously, a double-decker bus tour, 'cause my co-worker Scotty told me to watch "The Cruise" and now I'm all about bus tours, though I doubt Timothy Levitch will be the guide.

Ira Glass Is God

2010-09-22T22:08:00.000-06:00

Thanks to Nathan, I've discovered podcasts. More specificially, "This American Life." It's been a savior at work this week, as I've been charged with the task of categorizing brand pages, which essentially means... meh, it's really boring and mindless, that's all you really need to know. Anyway, now, instead of squirming in my seat and figuring out ways to prop my eyelids open when 2pm comes around, I don't even want to take a lunch break 'cause I'm so wrapped up in the podcast! I'm like a child, all you have to do to keep me focused is read me a story.

The best part about "This American Life" is the variety... and Ira Glass. I wish I had his interviewing skillz. It's really really hard for me to stay happy and motivated sitting for 8 hours enclosed in a gray cubicle lit by fluorescent bulbs, and that program has completely reinvented my shift. In just one episode, I find myself stifling giggles, sitting on the edge of my seat, and even tearing up! Man, now that I think of it, 8 hours of emotional ups and downs might really start wearing on me... Also, I've been struggling to write recently, which is why there's been a decrease in posting. Not that this post is anything special, but I had other projects that I've been neglecting as well. The stories on "This American Life" are exactly what I want to be writing about, stories about people. Not only am I interested in people, but I'm super interested in the fact these are SHORT stories! As I am slowly developing ADD, and I don't have patience for the kind of outline a novel would take, short stories are absolutely perfect for me.

Anyway, I'm a little tired right now so I'm having a hard time expressing just how much I love this show. Nate gave me a whole list of shows to listen to, though it's going to take me quite some time to get through the American Life archives. If you have suggestions on any other podcasts you think I might like, that stream for free over the internet, let me know!

Oh, here are links to a few of my favorite episodes so far, in case you want to listen (click "stream episode" once you get there):

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/177/american-limbo
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/411/first-contact
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/401/parent-trap
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/374/somewhere-out-there

You're Super

2010-09-16T22:32:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I know I'm about 3 years late, but I discovered this song via my Yeah Yeah Yeahs Pandora Station and I can't get enough.

How To Be Alone

2010-09-16T00:14:00.001-06:00

In case anyone missed this being spread about on Facebook. Made me feel like writing poetry again. I'm looking forward to the cold weather and some snuggly alone time.

We Are Sex Bob-omb!

2010-09-11T02:02:00.000-06:00

That movie makes me want to chop off my hair and start dying it again.

Home Salty Home

2010-09-07T01:24:00.001-06:00

There have been times when I think about where I am in life and I feel wholly unsatisfied. Lately, I'm far from it. I talk about wanting to move all the time, but the truth is, I love this city and some of the people here are just so amazing. Sure, I want to live somewhere else eventually, but this will always be home. This is where I'll return if I ever have a family. This is where I'll turn to when things go wrong. This is where I'll always think back on, remember, and smile.

All that's missing from my life right now is a little romance. I'm in no rush, though. :)

Yes, Yes, Yes, and Yes!

2010-09-05T01:44:00.000-06:00

Do you try to sound out acronyms instead of saying each letter when you read silently? Wise Guys WVC (wuhvkuh)

Do you have an intense passion for mustard, and random cravings for marinara sauce?

Do you often make sound effects while you're doing something? Vrooooom (Increasing bicycle speed.)

Do you have a love/hate relationship with water?

If you answered "yes" to all of those, we have four things in common.

Riding In Skirts With Boys

2010-09-02T23:33:00.000-06:00

I was gonna do another goldfish thoughts post, I even wrote some down while I was working today, but alas, in my hurry to get the hell out of the office and into the sunshine, I left the list in my drawer. Sooo instead I'm gonna write about my ride home.

If you don't know this by now, I'm just gonna come right out and say it, I'm sexist. Well... maybe that's not the right word... what is it called when you just dislike humans in general? Oh yes, antisocial. So I'm antisocial, but I don't discriminate equally, I very much dislike men more than anyone else. (I should probably disclaim that if you're my friend, I very much love you, and if I don't know you, I don't dislike you... yet.) Yeah yeah yeah, stop generalizing, stop painting with a big brush, stop judging everyone by your experiences with an individual... SHUT UP! You probably have a penis, or have lived a sheltered life, or maybe you pray a lot and Jesus loves you, but if you had to deal with the bullshit I have to deal with, and I can almost guarantee, EVERY woman has to deal with at some point or another, you'd be bitching too.

Whew, ok so let's get on with my ride home. Well... about 8 hours before that actually... So this morning I was having a really hard time figuring out what to wear. Mostly because I haven't done any laundry and all my pants and leggings are dirty, so that left me with skirts and dresses. I'm required to dress business casual at my new job, which basically means I can't wear my usual baggy-tshirt-over-leggings-and-a-hoodie ensemble. No worries, I have a walking closet full of clothes I never wear because they're not biking appropriate, unfortunately, the fact I get to wear them now doesn't change the fact I still have to ride my bike to and from work (though I often cheat on the way back and catch trax at the Library...). Anyway, left with no choice, I put on my cut-off leggings and zipped up a skirt over them. Voila! Business casual. Now, I do not have pretty legs. It doesn't matter that I've been biking nearly every single day now for three years, my legs will always be bowed, cellulite-ridden stumps that begin with a huge ass and end in cankles. I could blame my mother's side of the family, but it's not going to change anything. I tell you this because I am not the kind of girl who's going to have you drooling when I wear booty shorts, which means you're not going to give me a second glance, except maybe to make sure you did just see a ghetto ass on a pasty white girl.

Have I still not talked about the ride home? Stop letting me get sidetracked! Ok ok, so with all of that information in mind, here is my ride home:

I climb onto my bike and the second I start pedaling, my skirt rides up, which is ok because I'm wearing those cut-off leggings, right? So I'm riding up ninth south when a truck pulls up next to me and someone catcalls from inside. Normally, I wouldn't be bothered much, except for I'm pretty sure this is the same truck from lunchtime, when I walked a few blocks to get to work and while waiting for the train, truck guy was calling out to me and whistling the whole time. Not only does that get annoying, but when you're walking by yourself and someone you don't know is giving you that much attention, you get a little unnerved. So, not wanting to deal with "the look" (ladies, you know exactly what I'm talking about, that look that makes you feel really dirty and uncomfortable) and some more catcalls, I race past the truck who is waiting at a red light, and with a quick glance left and right, run through the light. Of course, it's just my luck that the next light turns red because trax is crossing the street. So, in order to avoid being stuck next to truck guy at this light as well, I place myself in the middle of the lane so he has to stop behind me. This is what I had to deal with all the way home. I get on trax and a bunch of creepers start asking me if they can see my tattoo, I get off trax and some idiot wants to lead me through the throng of rabid football fans because apparently my bicycle with revolving death pedals isn't going to do the job and I'm in need of a fucking knight on a white horse. NO!

Ahhhhh. Hate is exhausting, but I'm in quite the mood after dealing with morons all evening. Tomorrow will be better. Come to Midnight Mass and I promise to be friendly and nice, even if you have human DNA and XY chromosomes.

Goldfish Thoughts

2010-09-01T22:12:00.000-06:00

My day in thoughts:

I can't wear any of those jeans, but I reeeally don't want to wear a skirt today.

I doubt these are gonna fit, but let's try... oh, made it past my huge calves, but will they pass the... YES! Buttoned and everything!

I'm already going to be at least ten minutes late and I reeeally want some Cakewalk, should I stop by?

Cakewalk needs bagels, but yes ma'am, I'll take a pizza pocket!

Are you fucking kidding me?! Another red light?! Aaaarrrggggg

Pizza pocket pizza pocket pizza pocket pizza pocket PIZZA POCKET!

I want another pizza pocket.

The new intern's a boy... hmmm.

Oh my god the Sugarhouse Whole Foods is like heaven! Cute sandwich makers, vegan food everywhere, aaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!

My supervisor's supervisor is the coolest lady ever. Seriously, I wish we were related.

Man, what a change, my boss just told me I'm the best intern they've ever had! Positive feedback rocks!

21 more minutes. 19 more minutes. 18 more minutes. 18 more minutes still?!

Seriously, what is up with this guy that sits under the overpass all day long every day? Don't look at him, don't look!

Library trax stop. Avoid eye contact with him, him, him, and him.

Why did I squeeze into these jeans? My butt is slowly seeping out the top, I feel a breeze!

Vomit smell is gone. Food food food food food food food food.

Something to watch and no new 30 Rock... Stewart and Colbert!

What?! I get to buy my plane ticket this weekend?! Nada and New York, here I come!

I should blog about my day in a really boring way.

God this was dull.

Productivity Spawns Productiveness

2010-08-31T19:44:00.000-06:00

My house smells like vomit right now 'cause literally ALL of my dishes are dirty and piled in or around the sink. Gross, I know. I should probably do something about it, but I'm pooped from sitting on my ass for eight hours. The funny thing about my new job is that somehow, even though I spend all day writing, I come home and want to write some more. I've even written a few poems and started a short story.

Today's a short blog day, though. I think I'm going to go to sleep in the next hour. Who's gonna come sing me a lullaby?

Bikes, Friends, Love

2010-08-30T00:07:00.000-06:00

This weekend...

Goodness, where to begin? It's been such an amazing couple of days, I'm not sure how to put it into words.
All I really want to do is name everyone who made this weekend so absolutely wonderful, because they're the reason why it was so good. So, in order of appearance, here they are!

Anna, Nick, Tom, Lisa, Debbie, Ali, Shaun, Thomas, Kelly, Cory, Mark, Nathan, Meara, Patrick, Tyler, Brian, Ryan, Carla, Davey, Dave, Angela, Josh, Liz, everyone who came to Sundae Shuffle (I'm happy to say there are too many of you to name!), everyone who listened patiently to Lisa, Debbie and I sell you on Salty Spokes at the Tall Bike Joust, everyone who came to the joust after party and got me excited about bike events again. Basically, every single person I interacted with this weekend is why I'm sitting here with a big grin on my face.

Hopefully I'll have pictures of everything soon.

Chocolate Chip Pasta Salad

2010-08-24T22:20:00.000-06:00

So I think I'm addicted to pasta salad.

Remember that salad I had to bring for the work bbq the other day? Well, I accidentally made way too much, or maybe no one ate any... Anyway, I had a big bowl full of it, so that's all I ate all weekend. The thing is, I loved it so much, and I loved that it just sat in the fridge waiting and ready for me, I made another bowl full just for me. I also made chocolate chip cookies the other day (funny how being broke makes you cook a lot 'cause you've gotta use what you have...) and for whatever reason (I reeeally have to learn more about ingredients and such) they didn't melt down like regular cookies do, so I sat staring at the big scoopfuls of dough in the oven for a good ten minutes after they should've come out, not bothering to stick a fork in one 'cause they looked exactly the same as when they first went in. Needless to say, they're a bit hard, and I made two pans of them. At this point, they taste a lot like Chunky Chips Ahoy, but due to their round shape, are a little awkward to bite into. My point with all of this is that I've been living off of chocolate chip cookies and pasta salad and cans of lentil soup while I spend eight hours a day sitting on my ass, which means that I may have to surrender in my battle against jeans and just buy some new ones in a bigger size.

In other news, Salty Spokes has a big event coming up, and if you're not there, I won't consider you my friend anymore. Oh and if you're a guy, I'm tired of hearing excuses that you don't have any girl friends to bring, 'cause this isn't an excuse for you to meet girls, it's an excuse for us to recruit more females. :)

Stage 1 Epiphed

2010-08-22T03:55:00.002-06:00

"Dating-the first stage of the human mating ritual."

My friend Terra posted that as her Facebook status the other day, attributing it to Apples to Apples. Who knew that a card game could speak such truth?

I recently had an epiphany relating to men and dating. It literally happened over the course of a day, becoming even more realized after I saw "Eat, Pray, Love." Yeah, I know I know, I'm making fun of me, too. So, what is it that I came to epiph (by the power invested in me as a holy copywriter, that is now a word) so abruptly? You know how I love to ramble, so let's start from the beginning you've heard so many times now.

I've been used and abused by the same guy for on-and-off four years now. Some people may try to comfort me by telling me it's not my fault, blah blah blah, but I'm the one who chose to go back all those times. It's hard for me to pinpoint why exactly. I always thought it was 'cause I was in love, but I think deep down inside, it was really 'cause I was afraid. Can you blame me? (Redirecting responsibility, oh I'm sly.) Humans are inherently evil. It makes sense to stick with a villain you know and can predict rather than risk the instability of a new one. Still, one letdown after yet another and another, whether predictable or not, doesn't exactly leave you untouched. I thought my breaking point had come and gone about a hundred times. I mean, I felt pretty broken. I found ways to pick myself up, though, and the cycle would repeat itself.

One day, it finally came--my "that's enough" moment. It was pretty bad. After years of close friends watching you repeat this destructive cycle, you start keeping things to yourself, downplaying tragedies, out of sheer embarrassment. Those last couple of times were the worst to deal with because they were dealt with alone. However, that also allowed for some introspection and eventually, the epiphany. See, enough-is-enough wasn't a breaking point this time, it was a breakTHROUGH point.

Where is this going... Let's get back to epiphing. Basically, I realized that my actions were inconsistent with my words, which were inconsistent with my thoughts. This is something I've had trouble with since I hit puberty, really. This year I promised myself to balance things out, and I've been successful (my boobs are even catching up to my butt!) except for when it comes to dating and the ex--until now!

This is where "Eat, Pray, Love" comes in. Say what you will about it, but I left the theater with a grin on my face and a settled stomach, which is how I say what others would call "peace in my heart." Funny enough, it's not Julia Robert's character that I related to, but her ex-husband. *Spoiler Alert* Basically she divorces him 'cause she's just not all that into him and their marriage, and he freaks out 'cause he's still in love with her. So, they share this really cheesy surreal scene near the end that I bawled through, where he says that he loves her and misses her, and she replies with something like "So? Send love and light my way every time you think of me, but move on." That scene, combined with her own journey and search for balance, helped me bring my epiphany full circle, which I believe started with the acquisition of my new job.

Basically what I'm trying to say is, that I feel quite whole right now. I don't have a boyfriend, my body pillow is the only consistent cuddle buddy in my life right now, I'm not going on copious amounts of dates, and my ex is out of my life for good. A year ago, two months ago, for that matter, I wouldn't have been ok with all of that, but my actions are finally matching up with my words and all the stuff that's going on in my head. I am the most me I've been in a long time, in every way.

I'm going to let that soak in for a little while, but I think it has some grand implications in relation to my dating life. If the right guy comes along, giving it some time, I think I'll finally be ready for stage two and beyond of the "human mating ritual." Also, I'll be able to weed out the villains a little better. In fact, I already got rid of one! I know run-ins with villains will be inevitable, but my power levels are at one-hundred percent now, so bring out the big guns bad boys!

Youthanize Your Skin!

2010-08-19T20:24:00.000-06:00

Today, let's see...

Woke up not feeling very rested and with a slight stomach ache. Considering I took an Ambien last night, it's quite possible I was sleep eating. Ooh, that reminds me I have soy ice cream sandwiches in my freezer. Speaking of non-dairy items, it was my third day at the new job, which shouldn't have much to do with dairy, except for my cubicle was intruded upon by a woman whom I'm pretty sure never introduced herself, but instead placed a list on my desk with food items and names next to those items. What'd she want that is related to non-vegan foodstuffs? Well, apparently tomorrow is one of my new-and-now-former coworker's last day and we are celebrating/grieving by having a potluck. Of course, all of the easy stuff was taken care of already, which left an empty spot for my name next to "potato salad." So, after I explained I was vegan and would not be partaking in the hamburgers, and probably not the veggie ones "Jen" is bringing either 'cause chances are they're not vegan, not to mention the buns will have to be inspected and blah blah blah, this lady was still in my cubicle pondering where to put my name. "Can you bring tomatoes?" she asked, sounding a little more demanding than inquisitive, and as I replied with a small "Yes" she wrote my name in next to someone else's on the tomato line and, wrinkling up her nose said, "I guess both of us can bring tomatoes..." I should've kept my mouth shut after that, or said what I was thinking, which was, "Why don't you bring the fucking potato salad!" but instead I said, "I guess I could bring pasta salad or something, but I'm not a very good cook." She assured me it would be easy, told me to bring my own hamburgers, and disappeared.

On the bright side, I'll finally get to check out the people who belong to the voices I hear in the cubicles around me and see if there's any company crush material. I know it's a little strange, but I haven't even seen 95% of the people I work with. Well, not "with" really, I work very much alone with the occasional instant message sent to my supervisor about what to do if blah blah blah boring. Anyway, they didn't have any room over in marketing for my cubicle, so I'm by all the customer service peeps, and I have no idea why they set it up this way, but the area is basically one giant cubicle with seven foot sides. I don't know what the inner-cubicles look like, as mine is on the outside and I can't look over the walls. All I know is that "Brianna" and "Lauren" sigh a lot and the incoming calls must be nice people 'cause no one ever cries like at Convergys.

On the bright side, I listened to music all day today and have a new favorite Pandora station. Also, the bathroom is really clean all the time, so clean, in fact, that I've even been sitting on the toilet with those paper covers. For those of you who find that odd to say, I should explain that I never EVER sit on a toilet that is not my own, even when seat covers are available. I've pretty much perfected the squat. Which reminds me, alliteration: my vocabulary revolves around it as of late. In case you're still unclear about what I do, as a copywriter... ahem, copywriter intern (it's just an excuse to pay me less for three months)... I'm given a list of products at the beginning of the week. My task is to find those products online, write a description, copy and paste the ingredients and size, upload the picture, copy and paste all that info onto the product page, and make it live. These products go on one of three skin care/costmetics websites that the company owns. For example, I put this up yesterday: http://apothica.com/Stila-Cosmetics-Lip-Glaze-Set---Blissful.html. Yep, I wrote all that cheesy shit. My first day I started writing down useful words and phrases with the help of the thesaurus 'cause they want me to come up with a different opening line for every product, even if it's just a different color. It seems a lot of copywriters completely make up words, too. I tried that today for an anti-aging serum... "Youthanize your skin!" Yeeeahh... Gotta be careful with that.

Anyway, the job's not that bad, everyone is really nice and laid back, I get to dress up a little more than I usually do, and no one's breathing down my neck. So, other than the fact I have to stare at a computer for 8 hours (which apparently doesn't bother me much 'cause look where I am now...) and write boring stuff that feeds off people's insecurities, I have nothing to complain about.

Here are some pictures of cubicles:

Sultry Suffering

2010-08-18T23:09:00.000-06:00

It's almost my bed time, ten minutes to go. Let's see what I can get out in that time.

My blogging is probably going to suffer now that I spend eight hours a day in front of a computer writing. My eyesight is probably going to suffer as well, though some of you may tell me that's a wives tale. I'd give my mom that excuse when she'd tell me not to read in the dark, and then the optometrist verified that it wasn't true, which gave me great pleasure 'cause he said it in front of my mom, but she didn't buy it and I don't anymore either 'cause my eyesight is so poor it costs me an arm and a leg to correct every year.

Well, time's up. (I was talking to Shabana and reading blogs... it didn't take me ten minutes to write that, I swear.) Gotta get up and spend eight hours figuring out how to say "this will make your skin soft and bright" a hundred different ways.

Nine to Five

2010-08-16T01:53:00.000-06:00

I'm home alone tonight, as most nights, and feeling a little lonely, once again, as most nights. Being a bitter old maid is grand, but it's hard sometimes.

The new job begins on Tuesday and strangely, I have a feeling I'll have more free time. Perhaps it's the fact I'll have evenings and weekends off--"regular" people hours. Maybe it's the fact I'll finally have enough money to pay the bills and extra to play with and save, which also gives me a sense of freedom and relief.

With this great abundance of "free time" coming my way, I've been trying to think of what I want to fill it with. The first thing that comes to mind is writing. Aside from this blog, SLUG, Cycling Utah and a page of something I started in Cali, I haven't done much... Ok ok, so I have been writing quite a lot, but not creatively. I'm also in need of some inspiration and stimulation. Basically, I have to start reading more and getting out and living life. Sounds easy, but once I go into bookworm-mode, it's hard to get me off the couch. Next on the list is cooking. I thought that getting my own apartment would motivate me to cook more because when I lived with Shayne I cooked fairly often, but I didn't factor in single serving syndrome, which is what I call getting lazy when you've only got you to look out for. I should probably treat myself better than I do, because right now I don't think I'm worth the time it takes to cook myself a meal. Bad Esther! Sorry you had to see that.

After all that, I'd really like to spend more time being social, going to events, hanging out with friends, etc. I can't wait to go to Critical Mass and Midnight Mass again! Seriously, nine-to-fives are so underrated! Of course, you know I'll grow to hate it eventually, but I'm staying optimistic.

Urine Trouble

2010-08-14T03:39:00.000-06:00

Well, I cleared my background check. Looks like my life of crime has been buried deep enough it won't be affecting my copywriting career. I also had to go to this really sketch lab to pee in a cup to prove I'm not a junkie... and this is how that went:

So I'm riding my bike to the address on this form I had to print out and end up on this little street lined with trashy shop windows and neon signs. I thought maybe I'd read the address wrong, 'cause I expected to end up at a medical facility to pee in a cup, but I hadn't... Watching a couple of scantily clad women with droopy perms walk out of one of the shops, I looked up and found I'd reached my destination. A couple of guys in tank tops sat parked in a truck laughing and watched me as I locked up my bike to a sign post. Hoping it'd be a quick in-and-out, I walked inside to the depressing facility, wondering whether my Kilo would still be out there when I returned.

Basically the "lab" consists of a waiting room lit like an office with fluorescent lights over a cream-tiled floor. Most of the chairs are plastic and off-white, making the entire room a little lifeless. They have one of those standard office water jugs with the paper cone cups in one corner of the room and across from it, a black and blue vending machine that seems to add to the greyness of the room rather than brighten it. At the very end is a counter with a few desks and computers behind it and miserable-looking people in blue scrubs behind them.

I walked to the counter and a very pregnant and discontent woman sat down at the computer to help me. I wasn't sure how to word the reason for my visit. "I'm here to get tested" seemed more appropriate for Planned Parenthood and validated a whisper, so I went with "I'm here to take a test" which made it sound a little more like I was there to take my SATs and made me feel better about speaking up. She asked me if I'd been there before, which was a little curious. I mean, it's not a health care clinic, why would someone be making regular visits? Without smiling once at my cheerful demeanor, the woman typed some things on the computer, handed me a receipt and told me to sit down. I picked a chair as far away from everyone as I could and tried not to drown in beige.

She called me up after only a few minutes and asked if I was ready to go, to which I said yes without thinking that she probably meant whether I was ready to GO. I wonder how long most people take waiting in the lobby until they feel an urge. I can't see myself being inspired to do much in that lighting. Preggers walked me to the back where there's an open room with two sinks. She tells me to put my stuff away, so I stick my phone in my bag, but then she looks at my giant backpack and says "oh..." and contorts her face, a huge relief from her stony frown. I'm used to being looked at suspiciously when I've got my Velo City Bag on. People get nervous when you're walking around their store, touching things with a theft mobile on your back. So I took it off before she said anything and suggested she put it behind the counter. Acting like it was her idea to begin with, she tells me to stick it behind the counter and wash my hands... yeeeeah. Anyway, I turn around and she has disappeared into, I assume, one of the white doors surrounding the sink room. So I stand in the middle of the room trying hard not to look awkward in front of the two guys in scrubs sitting on chairs in the hallway, especially the one with the sickly complexion and tattoo on his neck who keeps staring at me. Thwarting eye contact is one of my many awkward skills.

So after waiting around like an asshole for a minute, I hear an impatient voice behind me say "you can come in here now" and trace it to a room with a single toilet and Preggers inside holding out a plastic cup. I immediately panic. Oh my god, is she going to watch me pee?! Is that how this works?! I start to sweat a little and try to remember what the state of affairs looks like downtown, trying to think of the situation as a pap smear with no fingers and forceps. Preggers then demands I pull up my shirt and show her my belly and my back. I do it immediately, hoping this isn't going to be a repeat of that one time at In The Venue... However, her hands did not cup my privates from behind and breathing with relief, I showed her my ankles as well. After giving me instructions, which included not flushing the toilet after I was done with my business, that I only had two minutes to give a sample and she'd be right outside the whole time, the door closed and I was left alone with the cup. Ok, I've done this a hundred times, no big deal, I thought. It'll take me like two seconds 'cause I needed to pee the whole way here. So down my pants went and squatting over the toilet (I never ever sit on toilets that aren't my own) I... did nothing. Oh shit (well, not literally). Is this how guys feel in the urinal. Is this stage fright? I started sweating again. Too bad they needed a urine sample and not other fluids. It had probably only been 30 seconds but I was starting to panic again, wondering how pissed Preggers would be if I told her the pressure was too much. She'd probably think I was on drugs. I've never done drugs in my life! This should be so easy! A few breaths and some mental clarity later, the cup was full and I was back on my Kilo.

This job really better be worth the anxiety that caused me.

VCB at CLC

2010-08-13T13:06:00.000-06:00

Velo City Bags will be at Craft Lake City tomorrow! Come check out our booth at the Gallivan from 2-9pm. Seriously, though, come entertain me and buy some cool shit! Nate's made a bunch of simple bags, wallets, pouches, pedal straps, etc. and we'll have order forms so you can custom order something straight from us instead of having to go online and all that.

I'm a Writer, a Copywriter

2010-08-12T16:58:00.000-06:00

I got me a job writing for a skin care company. It's a full-time gig, weekends off, and best of all, did I mention I get to write stuff? They must've really liked me, 'cause I got hired about an hour after I interviewed. Now I just have to pass a background check and a drug test, and I'm all set to start!

Finally, things are working out.

Type and Delete

2010-08-12T02:45:00.000-06:00

Do you ever write letters you never send?

I spend too much time writing to ghosts.

One Happy Beach Bum

2010-08-10T17:54:00.000-06:00

Ah, California. If there were jobs out there, I'd be on the coast faster than you can say Schwarzenegger, so basically around December.

Here's the summary of my weekend getaway to Jalama Beach in list form:

-Ten hours there, ten hours back, not counting the trip from SLC to Cedar and back.
-The speed limit said 65 most of the way, but...
-Fresh fruit stand!
-The risk in going to a no-reservations, completely secluded beach campground during the busy season: campground full.
-People from LA are sweethearts, and if it wasn't for eavesdroppers and genuinely nice guys, the "campground full" sign may have applied to us.
-Beach time = sand, naps, cute surfer boys, paddle ball death matches, candy, people watching, body surfing in freezing water until your body goes numb, dolphin sightings, gull shooing, and sunsets.
-Camping time = perfect view of the ocean, FIRE!, vegan s'mores and pancakes and sausages, more good food prepared by mommy dearest, squirrel attacks, no makeup, no showers, tent cuddle sessions, tent read-a-thons, and tent naps with squirrels.

The drive was long and I'm pretty sure I gained 10 pounds as I was constantly eating, but I also developed some paddle ball muscles and I'd do it again this weekend if I could.

Smell My BA

2010-08-09T17:45:00.000-06:00

That's right, it's official. I have a Bachelor's degree and not just my smarts to prove it!

Jalama Beach

2010-08-09T00:35:00.000-06:00

These are some of my favorite photos from the trip. I'll post more about it later. I hope I get to go on more trips like this one, perhaps minus the 10 hours there and back...

Are YOU Trying to Kill Me?

2010-08-01T22:43:00.000-06:00

Paranoia.

That's how I live now. Trust no one. Keep my dolphin piece on me at all times, loaded, trigger finger twitching. I approach groups with caution, but it's the loners I worry about. The cars making u-turns on my block, the strangers walking past me on the sidewalk, the cyclists riding up next to me at a light... it could be anyone.

I just want one more day. Just 24 hours to make my kill, then I'll be ready to die. Dr. Girlfriend isn't going down without at least one hit.

Gryffindors Rule

2010-08-01T12:37:00.000-06:00

This is me in all my wonderful Harry Potter geeky-ness. I spent most of yesterday preparing for Alyssa's Harry Potter Day Party, and it was quite the event. I'd promised to cook some vegan goodies, so I found this wonderful website: dumbledoresveganarmy.wordpress.com. Basically it shows you how to get a Harry Potter party going vegan-style. I really really really wanted to make pumpkin pasties, they looked so yummy, but apparently canned pumpkin is only a seasonal thing? I mean, really? I love me some pumpkin pie all year round! Anyway, I got over it and made vegan cauldron cakes instead, which ended up sticking to the pan and were a little dry, but hey, I tried.

Thanks to N.P. for putting up with all the Potter talk. The party ended up being a success for him, as his assassins target happened to be there. My target's been a little challenging, but with my brains, they're going down soon... unless I get killed first.

Unthinkable

2010-07-31T03:37:00.000-06:00

I'm trying really really hard to stay positive. It requires a lot of unthinking, which is my word for keeping your mind off of the things that are gonna drive you nuts. I've decided I need to date and socialize a little more. Kiss a few boys, flirt, develop a crush or two. Hopefully it'll help keep me unthinking about... other people and things.

Also, I'm going to California next week for four days to go camping on the beach we went to last summer. There's no cell reception there, so I'm going to be completely cut off from everything. I'm gonna write and read and draw and sleep and eat A LOT. I know, that doesn't sound like fun to most people, but all we wanted was to get away and relax. My mom is coming with us, and she's absolutely stoked, which makes me happy.

It's time for bed, I am absolutely exhausted and I have to wake up early to get ready for the Harry Potter party.

Oh yeah, happy birthday Harry. Now there's a reliable crush.

An Activist for a Day

2010-07-30T01:01:00.000-06:00

Today I participated in my very first protest march. I like to think of myself as the strong, silent type, but when I heard there was a rally to protest the new immigration laws Utah is trying to implement, I had to join.

We started at the capitol (I rode my bike halfway up that hill and walked the rest) and then marched all over downtown, including at the Twilight concert. It was really really hot, I was dripping with sweat, I had blisters all over my feet from my stupid shoes, I didn't have any water, and my throat was hurting from all the yelling I was doing... and it was AWESOME! I wish more people had joined us. Being part of a group like that, standing up for something I'm really passionate about, made me feel so empowered and righteous. Hmm, maybe righteous isn't the right word, but I felt warm fuzzies. A lot of people were really stoked on us, too, which felt good. Anyway, I think I'm done sitting on the sidelines. Protesting is the shiznit.

Cherry Poppin' Chiodos

2010-07-29T15:37:00.000-06:00

This popped up on my iTunes. Good times in basements, when life was more innocent and less complicated. Yes, I listened to Chiodos. Deal with it.

Pocket Full of Dreams in New York

2010-07-29T08:29:00.000-06:00

I had a shitty day yesterday, mostly due to social interactions. Overall the day was productive, I even interviewed to start bartending at a new club downtown where Brody Jenner is going to have his birthday party. Yipee. Actually, the interview also got me down, or that is telling people about where I interviewed.

Needing to unload all my stress on someone else, I whined to a friend and he told me that if I wasn't happy, I should make some adjustments, like exercise, work on hobbies, hang out with friends, etc. Well, I had done nearly everything on his list yesterday, so why am I not happy?

My cousin posted the above video on Facebook this morning, and then it clicked: I'm doing all the right things to be happy, I'm just not in the right place. Salt Lake has been great to me, but it just doesn't have the kind of opportunities I need to move forward. If I stay here, I'm going to get stuck working bartending shifts for the next five years. I'm gonna be stuck pining away for exes and relationships that are never going to work. This place has lost the inspiration it once gave me.

So, more than ever now I look forward to my trip in October, where I'll finally get to experience the city of my dreams. I know everyone probably thinks I have stars in my eyes and am completely deluded about the realities of city life, but I just don't care what you think.

New York is where I'm going to find my place, my career, and my love. I can feel it.

Ugh.

2010-07-28T23:34:00.002-06:00

Anyone else want to take a stab at making me cry tonight, 'cause I'm already at three.

Anna Will Sour Punch You

2010-07-28T07:31:00.000-06:00

Good friends are hard to find. Good friends like Anna, who knows me well and walks in my door carrying a handful of sour punch ropes... well, there's just no one like her.

I <3 Anna and sour punch ropes.

I also love all my other good friends, but Anna gets a special shout out 'cause she brought me sour punch, you understand...

My Habit of Bratty-ness

2010-07-25T14:29:00.000-06:00

Things that don't make sense to me:

Saying "I don't want to be with you" and "I don't care about you" just before saying "I love you."

I don't know, maybe I'm stupid or something. Oh wait, it's probably my bratty-ness habit, that's right, I've got an addiction.

Don't be bratty kids, it fries your brains!

Sleeeeper

2010-07-22T02:37:00.000-06:00

Took some sleepers for the first time. Gonna sleep eight hours straight. Hopefully I won't dream or sleep walk. I'm alone so no one's going to keep me from sleepwalking to the front lawn. I wish there was. Oh well.

For Sale/Hire

2010-07-20T22:33:00.001-06:00

I haven't been to the library in a while, but I went by myself today and just hung out for a bit. It was grand. I found this book series, The Best American Nonrequired Reading, and everyone should pick one up at some point. I took the 2008 edition with me and found this absolutely lovely website that I plan to buy something off of at some point soon.

Oh. Also, I am now an assassin.

Blue Brondie

2010-07-19T07:43:00.000-06:00

It's time to make a difficult decision soon...

Short and brown: OR Short and blonde:

Either way, it's gonna be blue!

(Not) In a Relationship With...

2010-07-19T04:42:00.000-06:00

Boys. Can't live with 'em, can't live witho... eh... I think I'd do just fine without 'em. In fact, I'm doing quite well.

I seem to like contradicting myself on this blog, but who doesn't like flip flops? So, though I stated earlier that I'm no good at casual dating and just want some commitment out of a guy, I'd like to retract that statement for the time being. In a world where the future is uncertain, exes come back to haunt you every other month, and no one seems to live up to your expectations, I am remaining bachelorettized. Now, contrary to popular belief, I've been sans beau in the past, but never like this.

This time around the block, I just couldn't care less. I'm not looking for anything but my own path to follow and I've got no one to impress.

This new self-realization (actualization?) is such a relief. Dates are actually fun now and I look forward to meeting new people. I'm able to be myself and leave the agenda behind. Or that is, be the mean, cynical, sarcastic self that I project to keep my vulnerable insides safe... ;) (that was for you N.P.)

Anyway, so far I'm having a great time, have been on some fun dates, and am letting whatever happens happen. The upside to all of this is that I've been spending a lot more time with the girls, by which I mean Anna, and we've spent a lot of time talking about all the fun trips we're going to go on soon.

So, don't expect my Facebook relationship status to change anytime soon, but, you never know with me!

Come On Now Sugar, Bring It On

2010-07-19T02:57:00.000-06:00

"A long time ago, we used to be friends, but I haven't thought of you lately at all."

Mooving

2010-07-18T02:44:00.000-06:00

It's happening, it's really happening. I'm going to New York and Austin in October. That's not all, though. My lease ends at the end of November, and I've already got that last month paid for, which means after my trip, I'm out of here. If I fall in love with either of those places, that's where I'll be moving. It's a scary thought, but incredibly exciting as well.

Ok, so these are just TENTATIVE plans, but there are so many more opportunities for writing gigs out there and honestly, even if I was doing the same thing as here, I'm gonna feel better about it if I've at least made a move in some direction.

Salt Lake is gonna be missed, though, that's for sure. I don't know... maybe I should just get a funky haircut to satisfy my need for change and stay here... I have yet to be a redhead...

On Integrity

2010-07-16T09:06:00.000-06:00

I was once asked in a job interview what "integrity" meant to me. After pausing for a moment to think, I answered, "Being honest when no one's watching." Needless to say, I got the job. Haha jk. Really though, I got the job.

Integrity was one of my core values back then, something I prided myself on because I felt I was one of the few honest people left on the planet. I know, I'm such a snobby prick. I bet you can guess my next line...

Then reality hit.

Yep, that's me, just a small town girl with a heart of gold who ends up corrupted by big city life... Ah, such a cliched existence I've lived.

Anywho, I'm not quite sure what sprouted this train of thought. Perhaps it was watching Veronica Mars defeat evil. Whatever it was, it got me comparing the integrity-driven me of eight years ago with the seemingly less conscientious me of the present. So what's changed? Well let's see:

1. My guilt complex is no longer produced by the hand of god, but replaced by my own self-awareness, which gives me more leniency in some decisions and abides by more strict moral guidelines in others.

2. I'm a college graduate! I know, it doesn't seem to mean much right now through the general perspective, but what it means for me is that I've sat through hours of lectures and classroom discussions, and read all sorts of books on all sorts of topics, which by societal standards, deems me edumacated. What the hell, let's throw some more cliches out there: Ignorance is bliss. I'm gonna go one further and say that bliss is INNOCENCE. There's an age-old argument in all of this, but let's remember this is Esther's life and opinions, and Esther deems all of this new knowledge, leading to loss of innocence, as LAME. Why? Well why not, let's do it again: Knowledge is power. And power is responsibility. Just look up Spiderman if none of this is making any sense. Now where was I going with this... Oh yes! So you'd think that this surge of knowledge would make things like right and wrong much clearer and all such related decisions much easier. No. Basically what I got out of my English degree was the realization that truth is very much subjective, which makes honesty a fuzzy gray area and integrity impossible to define on a general scale.

3. Eight years full of tumultuous experiences have changed me. I'm not the goofy 16 year old hopeful of becoming employed by the coolest place in town (the *cough*movietheater*cough*) but a goofy 23 year old desperately hopeful and slightly pessimistic about making it through the next week without having all of my hair fall out from stress. What did I get for all that integrity? Eight years of shitty person after shitty person. And guess what?! Ninety-nine percent of them have penises! Coincidence?!

Whew, let myself go there for a second. Second-wave feminism anybody?

Anyway, what I mean is that my thoughts on what is right and wrong have changed according to my experiences, as they should. Now how to get revenge...

So, now the analysis is over, how will I define "integrity" to a possible employer? Hmmm, good question.

My answer is: "having no regrets."

Do I have integrity, by my new definition? I guess it all depends on your timing of the question...

Come What May

2010-07-14T02:46:00.002-06:00

I've never had much of an opinion on true love theories, but I don't believe in fate. I believe that it's possible to find someone you really connect with, and with hard work and dedication, that connection can strengthen and become something really awesome and everlasting. So, this song is for all of those who make the decision to stay and fight to keep that connection intact, for those with the courage to not give up, to not retreat when things get a little shaky. It's my favorite song off Thrice's newest album, Beggars.

Here are the lyrics:

The Weight

There’s many who’ll tell you they’ll give you their love,
But when they say "give" they mean "take."
They"ll hang ‘round just like vultures 'til push comes to shove
They'll take flight when the earth starts to shake.

Someone may say that they’ll always be true
Then slip out the door ‘fore the dawn,
But I won’t leave you hanging on.
Another may stay 'til they find someone new
Then before you know they’ll be gone,
But I won’t leave you hanging on.
No, I won’t won't be that someone.

And come what may, I won’t abandon you or leave you behind,
Because love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment.
Come what may, I will be standing right here by your side,
I won’t run away, though the storm’s getting worse and there’s no end in sight.

Some talk of destiny, others of fate,
But soon they’ll be saying goodbye,
But I won’t leave you high and dry.
Because a ring don’t mean nothing
If you can’t haul the weight,
And some of them won’t even try,
But I won’t leave you high and dry.
I won’t leave you wondering why.

And storms will surely come,
But true love is a choice you must make
And you are the one that I have set my heart to choose
As long as I live, I swear I’ll see this through.

Negative Nancy Bites the Dust

2010-07-12T22:21:00.000-06:00

I've been really negative lately. That's gotta stop. The future's got me all worried and insecure, so I'm just gonna focus on right now. My legs were achy and swollen today, but it allowed me to take it easy and I got to read and cook myself a nice dinner. Tomorrow I have Thrice to look forward to along with hang time with friends. October is approaching fast so I think I'm going to book my flight for Austin and NYC this week, hopefully I'll be able to afford a ticket for ACL, otherwise it's going to be fun just hanging out with Nada after not seeing her for five freakin' years! I keep hearing negative things about New York, but I'm gonna stay excited for that as well.

I really don't have much to complain about: I've graduated college, I have my own apartment, wonderful friends and family, and I have a job I'm comfortable with that makes me enough money to survive. As my dad would often say at the dinner table, think of the poor children in China. That I will, so instead of bitching, I'm gonna be grateful that I am where I am in life.

We control our own happiness, right?

'Til Death

2010-07-12T11:22:00.000-06:00

Sometimes it's hard to believe in yourself when no one thinks you're worth the fight.

Also, I want to learn how to sword fight.

Plan A*

2010-07-11T05:45:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I wonder where I'd be right now if my first set of plans had worked out: a ballet-shoe-clad, dinosaur-digging writer living in NYC.

Plan B: With you.

Plan C: And you.

Plan D. And you.

Reality: This blog and I at 5:41am.

*Just wing it.

Boohoo

2010-07-10T05:14:00.000-06:00

My lease ends in December... if I don't find a job by then, I think it's gonna be au revoir Utah. Carla's been talking about moving to Spain next year and I'm considering hijacking her idea. All I know is that I need to get going with my life somehow and as soon as my lease is up, I won't have much holding me here.

Everything just kind of sucks right now.

Fun-Hater, huh?

2010-07-04T22:59:00.000-06:00

Some may call me a fun-hater, but I guess you've just got to be with the right people. I resolved to be a more diligent photographer of activities and friends this Summer, which has made for some pretty epic photographs--mostly due to Thomas' epicness. Enjoy!

And that was only two days of activities! Imagine the possibilities here! I may actually have an overall fun Summer this year!

Mumblemumble

2010-07-02T03:30:00.000-06:00

My posts have gotten really sentimental, huh?

Blurg.

It's 'cause the emotional part of my brain has been working overtime. So much so, in fact, that it's affecting my physical health. That's right, my mind is making me sick.

Tomorrow begins my work week, which never really ended. I need to get out of here, even if it's just for a few days. Who wants to drive me to the nearest lake just to lounge on the shore and read and play card games in a tent? Sounds magical, right? I need a car and I don't give a shit what anyone thinks about that.

First I need a bigger income...

I'm turning my phone off, I need some uninterrupted sleep if I'm gonna make it through the weekend. Goodnight friends and foes.

Miss List

2010-06-28T05:47:00.000-06:00

I miss...

Long phone conversations
Far away friends
Having time to myself
Saturdays
Living with the girls
Cheese pizza
Late night snacks
Walking
Being comfortable
Getting a good night's sleep
Alaska
Sand
Childhood
Being in love

Moroni Goes Vegan

2010-06-25T03:38:00.000-06:00

I really want to move this blog over to wordpress, but I don't like that I have to pay to mess with the html over there... hmmm.

Anyway, this post is actually about me vs. veganism. Actually, the relationship is going quite well, so it's more like me and veganism vs. other people, my need to please, and my preference for moderation. For those of you who can remember, I challenged myself to a month of maintaining a vegan diet last year and had a horrible time doing it. Ironically enough, the cheese-binge that ensued as a result of the month of cheese-less-ness led to an ugly break with my relationship to curdled dairy and my diet has been mostly cheese free since, making my second attempt a piece of (vegan) cake.

Many of you are probably shaking your heads and thinking about all the jokes you'll crack to me about how you're a member of PETA aka People for the Eating of Tasty Animals. ha. ha. ha. I'll still be there for you when you die of heart disease, I promise. Those of you who are shaking your heads because you're concerned for my health, well, all I can say is that I've never eaten better in my whole life. This is what a day in the life of Esther's menu looks like:

Breakfast: Cheerios in light vanilla soy milk with a squeeze of organic blue agave.

Snack: handful of almonds and some grapes.

Lunch: Sourdough baguette filled with tomato, lettuce, red onion, avocado, a touch of olive oil and red wine vinegar and a squeeze of mustard and a pinch of salt.

Snack: Pita bread with roasted garlic hummus.

Dinner: All-you-can-eat gourmet pizza night at Sage's. Thin sourdough crust with veggies, pesto, curry, etc. (ok ok, so this doesn't happen EVERY night)

How much do you wanna bet I made your meat eating mouths' water without mentioning a single piece of flesh or drop of dairy? What did you eat today?

What is making this month so difficult is the people around me. I'm fortunate enough that I've made some really awesome friends who have taught me how to make some really easy vegan meals, and going out to eat with them is a breeze 'cause they know where to go and what to get... oh, and they don't fucking complain that I'm just being difficult! I also have some good non-vegan friends that are understanding and accommodating. However, I'm not sure how I feel about the vegan community. You see, I am all about moderation. I do not like extremists, I rarely agree with them or their methods. Not to say I'm boring or lacking passion, though deep down inside I'm probably 80 years old... I had a conversation with Shaun about this the other night, so it seems a bit irrelevant now, but I want to get it out there to see what everyone else thinks, especially other vegans.

I'm not sure how to relay this without offending a lot of people, but the vegan community to me is very much like the Mormon church. Both preach compassion, both believe themselves to be living a "higher law," both embrace "converts" wholeheartedly, both use guilt to persuade/control, both have missionaries/advocates, both take extreme measures I disagree with to make this world the way they feel it should be.

I left the church because I didn't believe in the doctrine, and I felt that I couldn't be the individual that I wanted to be, that I'd be a better person without it. Though it was a difficult decision to deal with, I'm much happier now. It seems like a step backward to go back into a community that makes me feel the same way. HOWEVER, I completely understand why both of these communities have become what they are, and honestly, I don't have a solution. Being Mormon in places where there are few Mormons, or in "tempting" situations is incredibly difficult. People think you're crazy, they don't understand why you believe what you do, why you restrict yourself, why your lifestyle cuts out what "normal" people deem a good time. When you explain, they seem indifferent, or oftentimes argue with you and get angry. After a while, you become exclusive. You don't go to certain places, avoid certain situations, and begin to hang out with like-minded people because it's easier. You begin to look at others with contempt, judging what they do, refusing to be in committed relationships with anyone that doesn't believe the same as you. Being vegan is the exact same thing! I tell my dad I'm not eating dairy anymore (and he already had a hard time with my vegetarianism) and he tells me I'm insane and asks why I imprison myself this way. My sister rolls her eyes every time we go out to eat and I ask what's vegan. Going to a non-vegan restaurant is like being a Mormon at a bar. What's the difference between "Um... can you make me something fruity and uh... virgin?" and "Can I get the combo with no pepperoni, no cheese and just marinara on the side?"

So why do I even want to be vegan? Well, unlike Mormonism, I really do believe in it. I know it's the right thing to do (just like Mormons believe theirs is the right path) and I feel healthy. How do I do this my way, though, and still keep my "vegan integrity"? How do I remain respectful to my family, my culture, my friends, and stay true to my individual values?

Donnie Darko vs. The WWE

2010-06-11T04:21:00.000-06:00

The possibility of a plane falling on my house is a real concern of mine. Every time I hear helicopter propellers or an airplane engine growing louder and louder overhead, I brace for impact, and this was before I ever saw Donnie Darko. I wonder if I have some sort of weird psychological disorder, maybe a Wicked Witch of the East Complex? House falling on witch is definitely similar to plane falling on house crushing Esther. In case that happens, I don't give anyone permission to steal my shoes.

I Need To Super Size My Uhaul

2010-06-11T03:52:00.001-06:00

I'm not sure how to write out the sound of a sigh...

So I've decided a long line of commas is really the best way to spell out a long exhale:

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

A big, nasally sigh completely describes my life right now, you see. Remember a couple of posts ago, when everything was going so well? Yeah, I totally jinxed it.

I am somewhat lost right now. Just a couple of weeks ago I felt like I was walking down a cliche celestial hallway full of blinding light shining through endless open doors. Now it's a dark hallway with a single, buzzing fluorescent light revealing two closed doors at which I'm lightly knocking with no answer. Basically two weeks ago I was in the rich neighborhood on Halloween, filling my pillowcase, and now I've somehow wandered to the other side of the suburbs where I'd be lucky to get any sketchy homemade brittle. I'd give you some more metaphors but the position I'm currently sitting in is a little uncomfortable.

What do I want right at this moment? I want to move to Austin and Colombus where Nada and Anne live, respectively, and take half of Salt Lake with me.

To Pack:
SLUG
Salty Spokes
Downtown at night
Carla and Anna
Velo City Bags
Debbie and Nate
B-World on Friday nights plus Milo minus He Who Must Not Be Named
You. Yes. You
UTA but when they let TRAX run until 1am
Pizza night at Sage's
You again.

I Left My Heart in SLC

2010-05-26T16:50:00.000-06:00

The past three weeks I've spent in Cedar City haven't been the most action-packed. I didn't make my goal of writing a poem a day, but I wrote a handful and got started on a more long-term poetry project. I successfully cooked red curry (though I didn't make the rice, which is the hard part for me...), and learned how to make gazpacho, veggie paella and homemade tomato sauce. I also made it past the top of the crank when practicing backwards circles on my bike and rode across town in about 20 minutes. However, most of my time has been spent reading Bike Snob, watching tv, sleeping, and washing dishes. Sooo exciting.

The highlight of the week was when I randomly met two cyclists from Pittsburgh riding from Virginia Beach to San Francisco. They'd been on the road almost two months, which is completely unfathomable to me. Turns out we had a few other things in common and they ended up staying an extra night in Cedar to rest up so we got to hang out along with Ryan and Zach, who is also in town for a bit. Hopefully I'll get to see them again when I head east in October, just so I can look at their beloved East Coast in disdain, of course ;)

The hardest part about this trip has been my familial interactions. I truly love my family, my parents are good, hardworking people who did their very best in raising me and my sibs, but holy hell, there is so much fucking drama at my house all the time! The guys I date think I'm uptight and high maintenance? Well, I'm a laid back slob compared to my parents. As good as it feels to be around family and get hugged and kissed and fed, my stress level is skyrocketing and if I stay much longer I'm sure to develop ulcers.

Only three more days and I'll be home. I expect to have an adventure with every single one of you following my return!

Romancing the Phone

2010-05-20T20:32:00.001-06:00

Today I decided to sweep the kitchen. The end.

haha Just kidding. I did sweep, but also took note that above the broom was a phone mounted on the wall. My family hasn't had a land line in almost five years, so I found it a little odd that the big bulky phone was still there, almost like ironic art or dated family photos. In any case, it inspired this, a tribute to the telephone:

The romance of the telephone is gone,
I’m not homes replaced
By busys and on silents
Sometimes even never got its
And ignoreds.

We used to hear the phone ring
Through the house
Like an alarm at the fire station,
Everyone thundering
To reach the flame first and
Blow it out with breathless excitement.

The privacy of pocket vibrations
Killed Anonymous.
Hello--
Inflected with curiosity
And expectation now
Assuming and impatient.

Time stolen by mobile CEOs
And pawned back by the minute
Once measured in door busting
Get off the phones from mom,
We talked for hours
My fingers and toes tangled in the cord.

I sat by the phone all night
And waited for your call once
So I wouldn’t miss you,
But now I can’t
Miss anything,
Even if I want to.

The Unreliable Dirty Version

2010-05-17T03:29:00.000-06:00

I'm always really skeptical about posting poetry. I didn't even like handing my poems out to workshop. Poetry is so very subjective, and well, I write for my own satisfaction or lack thereof. It's not that I can't handle criticism, I thrive on it. I just think that, to the careful reader, poetry divulges more personal information than a detailed medical record or background check. So, for the most part, the poetry I share is usually done in private to people I trust and respect.

As I said in an earlier post, my goal this month was to write one poem a day. I was fortunate enough to run into a former classmate just before leaving, and since he was also going on a month-long vacation, we decided to share our work. If not for him, I'm not sure that I would've even started, much less completed my goal, but now I have some motivation outside myself. I'm not going to post every poem because like I said, that's just not my style, but I did promise you all a few here and there, so here you go.

I wish my mind could write without my hands,
there seems to be so much lost in my arms…
I wonder if I’ll ever find it or get it back.

Maybe if I do a handstand it will fall to my fingers.
Or back into my brain when I swing from the monkey bars.

But then it might get caught in my chest and never return the original,
mixed in blood and heart stuff.
The unreliable dirty version.

My Sassy Lisp

2010-05-11T17:19:00.000-06:00

I've learned how to make veggie paella and tomato sauce from scratch so far while I've been in Cedar. I also put Lemon the dog in my backpack and rode my bike to the park. It was a good time until she jumped out when a truck passed by with a dog in the bed, after that I had to close the flap a little so she didn't have room to jump. Went to the dentist and the orthodontist today, the latter put my retainer back in and now I'm doomed to look like I'm 13 for a whole week. I don't plan on running into any cute boys though, so whatevs. No poetry yet... need to get on that one. Oh wait, I was just inspired, haiku time:

Snow on the windshield
Frozen wipers, heat full blast
This weather's got sass.

That's Pulitzer-winning stuff right there.

The Opposite of Identity Crisis

2010-05-08T20:15:00.002-06:00

The other day I was being photographed by a friend. As he prepared to take some pictures, I asked him to watch for angles and little things I might do that I knew would made me look less attractive. After explaining that he should try not to photograph my right profile because my nose looks bigger from that angle, he responded, "You're really self-conscious, huh?" to which I replied, "No, I'm just self-aware. I know myself."

I think I can confidently say that I know who I am inside and out. The negative, the positive, the beautiful, the ugly, I know me and not very many people can say that of themselves at 23. This is, however, proving detrimental to my dating life. See, when you know who you are, you're also pretty sure of what you want. EXACTLY what you want. Of course, I don't have my entire future figured out, life would be quite dull if that were the case, but I do know who I want to spend it with, and I've known for quite some time.

Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to exist. At least, not that I know of yet. My recent interactions with men have been relatively positive, but getting to know someone takes time, especially when we're all prone to only showing our good angles in the beginning. And the truth of the matter is that I'm a sucker. I think my on-and-off three year nightmare of a relationship proves that one... As observant as I may be, I'm really good at lying to myself, even when I know I'm being lied to. Anyway, this is getting off topic. What I'm trying to relay to you all, is that every time I've thrown myself into the dating world, I've had two basic problems: a) The guys I meet are still discovering who they are. b) Once they discover who I am, they're turned off.

The first one is a problem because I am ready for a committed relationship and have been for a long time. I am not much of a casual dater, I simply can't do it successfully. Every time I end up in what I think is a committed relationship, however, it turns out that Joe Schmoe still has identity issues he's working out and I am smothering him as he tries to discover who he is. I completely understand, if you don't know yourself, you need to go out and experience life on your own. I am secure in who I am and am now looking for a partner to experience life with me. Ok ok, so before I continue, let me just make it clear that I am not in ANY WAY referencing marriage when I say words like commitment, life, and partner. To me, marriage is just a piece of paper that has some economic benefits. All I want is someone I can get comfortable with, something long-term, something simple, someone to travel with for heaven's sake!

You can stop panicking now. On to my second problem. This one is pretty self-explanatory, so I'll move on to my solution, which is probably the most tactless dating strategy ever. I've decided that this time around, I am going to give up the very worst from the very beginning. This doesn't mean I'm going to wear pajamas and fart through first dates. I'm just not going to pretend that I don't have control issues, that I don't ever get emotional, that when they check out other girls it doesn't bother me, or that the fact they haven't showered in a week doesn't make me want to throw up. I want to be with someone who is absolutely stoked to spend time with me, even if I'm always going to ask way too many questions and absentmindedly correct their grammar every once in a while.

This rant is probably a turn off in itself, but I'm tired of building relationships and ending up disappointed because who I really am comes as a surprise to "Mr. Perfect" or he decides he needs to sleep with other women to really explore his sexuality. I know who I am, and I know what I'm worth.

I Smell Like Coffee All the Time Now

2010-05-04T08:52:00.000-06:00

...And I don't even drink it. I guess that's what happens when you're addicted to the 'net and live across the street from Coffee Noir.

I hate to say it out loud in fear of jinxing it, but everything seems to be working out in my favor lately. Somehow I managed to get through my finals, almost 20 pages worth of critical writing and all done on the same weekend that my roommates and I moved out. Friday was probably one of the worst days I've had to live through in a while, but though I complained a lot, I stayed sane and just kept telling myself it would all work out, and so it has. There's power in positive thinking! My current living situation isn't ideal: since I'm going to be in Cedar for the rest of May (this plan might be changing) I moved most of my stuff into a storage unit and am living on a cot in Carla's room at her new place, which is teeny tiny. I can sleep just about anywhere, so the cot isn't a problem, it's the fact that it takes up all of the free space in her room so we're both really cramped until I leave to Cedar on Friday.

Speaking of Friday, that's when I graduate! It's a little unnerving that I don't actually know if I passed all of my classes, not that I have any reason to believe I haven't, I didn't receive anything less than a B on all of my assignments this semester, but I'm pretty sure my Theory professor hates my guts so... we'll see I guess. If I never receive my degree in the mail, I'll secretly retake my classes and no one will know, right?

Last week a friend told me that In Utah This Week, the publication that features "Scene in SLC" and "Sexy in SLC," is hiring a full-time staff writer. I'm not completely sure of the details of the job, but it looks like it would be similar to what I do for SLUG on occasion, except full time and I'm assuming they'll pay good 'ole American money as opposed to trade. Anyway, I sent in my resume and some writing samples and guess who has an interview on Thursday?! I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but as conceited as it sounds, I know they'd be lucky to have me and I am going to try my best to get them to see that, too. In the case that I do get the job, I will be staying in SLC for May if they want me to start right away.

Okay so I actually lied when I said everything is working out, but I'm not too worried about this little disappointment just yet. I'm going to be down in Cedar for May mostly because I'm supporting friends and family members at weddings and graduations, but also because the apartment building I wanted to move into (because it's the only one I could really afford on my own) didn't have any openings for May and I was supposed to have a better chance for June. Unfortunately, nothing's opened up for June either, so I'm not sure where I'm going to live when I get back. If I end up having to get roommates I'm going to be really bummed because I don't know how my roommate situation could ever be as good as it was this year living with Carla and Anna. Also, I'm more excited about having my own place than just about anything else right now (besides being finished with finals).

I better wrap this up, it's getting a little dull.

Salty Spokes!

2010-04-25T22:43:00.000-06:00

After a lot of time spent that should've gone to finals, I got the new female bike blog set up at saltyspokes.com. I love Wordpress so much I think I'm going to transfer this blog over there as well... but when I've got some more time. Go check out the new blog and subscribe to it! Stu Pratt is responsible for the awesome artwork. Ciao!

One Art

2010-04-24T04:12:00.000-06:00

I'm okay until I stop and think, and then I have to stop myself from thinking this and that and try and think of that and this instead. It will get better though, will it? Yes, it will.

I wasn't into poetry much in high school. I've probably mentioned it before. It wasn't until the end of my senior year that I gave it a second thought. Prior to that, though, there were a few poems that struck a nerve. "One Art" by Elizabeth Bishop is one of them. I don't think I'd ever read it until it showed up on a practice AP exam one day and I was required to write about it. Since then, it's been one of the only poems that gets me emotional. I thought of it because I have a few chapters of my life coming to a close, and though all of them are either due to end, or are ending for the best, it's always difficult to say goodbye, especially to places and people. Here it is:

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

By Elizabeth Bishop

Cookbooks, Haikus and Wheelies

2010-04-06T12:18:00.000-06:00

It's almost time. In exactly one month and one day I will be a college graduate! If all goes as planned, of course. I'm also moving into my own place in June, once again, if all goes as planned, and before that I get to spend almost a whole month being pampered by the 'rents down in Cedar.

While there, I'm making a few goals to keep me productive. First and foremost, I'm determined to learn how to cook. I have this wonderful vegetarian cookbook I bought a few years ago, with full-color pictures, that I haven't used once. I'm also counting on my parents teaching me how to make flan, tortilla de patatas, and veggie paella. My second goal is to write a poem every single day. I'm not a very good self-motivator when it comes to poetry and I need to make up for the lack of verse this semester. My third goal is to learn a new bike trick. Hopefully this activity will balance out all the lounging about and eating I'll be doing.

There may be a foot of snow on the ground outside, but I've got Summertime on my mind!

Marinas, Satellites and Diamonds

2010-03-11T23:41:00.003-07:00

I've been on this Marina kick lately. By which I mean Anya Marina and Marina and the Diamonds. My favorite of the two is definitely Marina and the Diamonds, but I just can't get Anya's cover of T.I.'s "Whatever You Like" out of my head. Marina kind of reminds me of Lily Allen mixed with Lady Sovereign, but her voice is really all her own. Check out my favorites by them:

Social Constructs and Sand Fleas

2010-03-09T00:14:00.001-07:00

Does anyone read my blog anymore? I'm feeling a little out of touch with the world lately. I'm going to Vegas for Angie's bachelorette party this weekend, hopefully getting out of SLC will do me some good.

I don't have much else to say, except that I'm learning a lot this year, though as always I suck at actually making it to class, I'm keeping up with all the reading and it's opening my mind to some new ideas. One of these is the fact that some very basic parts of society are merely social constructs. I agree that gender roles and race are all man-made, but it's like, we learn all of this information that deconstructs our ideas of culture and society, and then what? Besides writing a paper about it for a final grade, what do I DO now that I know better?

Everything is about sex and power. Actually, I guess it all boils down to control. Everything is about control.

Ugh, sometimes I just want to live in one of the hatches on the LOST island by myself with a bunch of books, music and movies, minus the Others and polar bears and sand fleas.

Room for One

2010-03-08T00:03:00.000-07:00

As my time as a formal student draws to a close, seemingly important life choices are quickly approaching. Along with all of the professional, financial and personal decisions I'm facing, I'm also considering ways in which to physically move forward. Right now there's a big one: should I move into my own apartment.

I've found a building where I would have a decent-sized apartment to myself for less than what I'm paying now in a house with three roommates if I choose to move after graduation. Unfortunately this decision, like most, has both pros and cons. Though living alone would be new and exciting, I live with my sister and one of my best friends, whose company I would really miss. Moving into an apartment building also means I would have to lug my bike up and down stairs on a regular basis, which I did when I first moved to SLC and could be good exercise, but it's not something I'm looking forward to. Also, I would have to go through the whole process of moving all my shit, and for what if I plan to move out of the state as soon as I have the money anyway? Oh... and there's the whole never-lived-alone-ooh-scary factor.

On the up-side, I would have complete freedom and privacy. I would have more control over my environment than I've ever had. My annoying anal-retentiveness and OCD would be free from irritations and irritating. I honestly feel that having my very own space to live outside of my own room would help my motivation and organize my life, making me more productive and successful. Not to mention that I would just generally feel more responsible and grown-up.

Well, I'm glad I wrote this out because now I see that living alone is looking a little less scary and a lot more exciting. I guess I'll be putting myself on the waiting list tomorrow and see where it goes!

When You're 23

2010-02-17T22:39:00.000-07:00

I had one of the best birthdays in a long time this year. I think it's because I didn't try to organize a big celebration, just kind of took it easy. Since Valentine's Day is just a couple of days before my big day, I tend to get shorted out of one or the other, but this year everyone went above and beyond. My boy and I decided we just weren't going to celebrate Valentine's because he had to work all day and my dad was in town... so I thought. That morning I received two dozen roses along with some other goodies by Sunday delivery FedEx! I expected to be in class all day on my birthday so Shayne also took me out on Monday to a late lunch, a movie (don't go see Wolfman, seriously) hot chocolate and good conversation, and then he got me a pre-bday gift when we stopped at Smith's to get nacho fixings, the first season of Arrested Development! Man I'm spoiled.

It doesn't end there. My actual birthday comes along and one of my classes gets canceled so I get to sleep in and have a nice breakfast at home. Then my guitar professor lets class out early because it's my birthday! Tuesday happens to be pizza night at Sage's, which is hands down my favorite time and place to eat out. So I stuffed myself with the company of four of my closest friends and Sage's even treated me to free dessert. I got home and continued to stuff myself with a specially ordered chocolate cheesecake from Gourmandies and opened everyone's gifts. I got spoiled beyond belief by everybody! I feel so lucky to have such great friends, sister and boyfriend!

Thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday as well, you were also a special part of my day. I didn't even think to take pictures, so unfortunately there are no images to document the awesomeness. I expect to gain another 20 lbs with all of the cheesecake and candy I've consumed though, so there's the proof!

Everybody sleeps... but me.

2010-02-04T08:07:00.000-07:00

The Sandman has been skipping my room the past few months or so. I have no idea how to get him back, I've tried everything but drugs. My strange addiction to Law and Order: SVU isn't really helping much either. I've had some of the most disturbing nightmares I've ever had due to that show, and however much I try, I just can't stop watching it! Here's how a typical night goes down in my lair: make dinner around 8 or 9, sometimes 10 if Shayne is coming over after work. Scope the net for a bit. Read for class. If Shayne is over, we will usually watch a few episodes of a show or a movie. Then I pass out for approximately 3 hours, wake up between 1 and 3am depending on when I fell asleep. Toss and turn in half-conscious sleep, read, or watch SVU until I'm supposed to get up for class. Sometimes I get sleepy around 8 and will sleep another hour or two. Any sleep I get outside of those first 3 hours is full of dreams, not all as disturbing as the SVU-inspired ones (and for some reason those are all about little kids, ugh) but all anxiety driven.

I realize I'm not talking to a doctor or psychiatrist here, just blogging, but if anyone has suggestions for me, they'd be greatly appreciated. This is what I've tried so far: not taking naps during the day, more exercise, drinking chamomile tea before bed, no more candy/refined sugar, baths before bed...

The other night I thought for sure I'd sleep through the whole thing. I'd only gotten my 3 hours of sleep the night before, was in and out of class all day long, worked out for over an hour at the gym, made dinner for me and Shayne, and literally passed out still dressed while we were watching Arrested Development (which I never fall asleep through!). Then I find myself awake at 1am and sleep restlessly until 6am when I gave up.

Maybe it has to do with my Friday shift. Working until 3am isn't exactly ideal when you're trying to maintain a regular sleep schedule.

I think this might be the most boring post I've ever written. I'm going to blame Sesame Street for making me believe it's ok for me to sleep whenever and wherever!

Shhh... Esther Likes School. What?!

2010-01-15T06:05:00.003-07:00

I'm not really sure what it is about this semester that is different from all the others, maybe it's the fact that it's my last one, but I'm feeling something I haven't felt for a very long time: passion. Yeah yeah, sounds cheesy, but I haven't been this excited about school since like, third grade! I never thought anything would ever beat Mrs. Harrington's class at Upland Terrace, reading Barbara Park and Mary Downing Hahn, chasing after Mark and Steven Olson during recess. I got 100% attendance that year, not one single day of class missed. I'm not sure if I can pull off that kind of dedication now without mom around to make me oatmeal and pack my lunch, but I definitely feel more motivated than I've been for some time!

I guess how I feel is somewhat similar to my first semester of college. This time around, though, I'm more prepared. Having finished most of my generals in high school, I started right into my major requirements freshman year, and I was easily one of the youngest and least experienced students in those classes. Now, due to some postponing and confusion on my part when this all began, I'm finishing off my degree by taking a few 3000 level requirements I left behind that first year, oddly enough, with some of the same professors. After being in all 5000 level seminar-type classes last semester, I've got so much more knowledge to bring to these lower-level courses. I'm not really liking how big my classes are though, I got a little spoiled sitting in an office chair in a conference room with 10 other people for a couple of classes last semester... I also ordered all my books over Christmas through Amazon, so I don't need to worry about not having the reading material. FYI, the MBH computer lab no longer has free printing! But I refuse to let it get me down!

I'm so stoked about my classes, I could go on and on about the things we're reading and the connections I've made and how interesting everything is this semester! But I'm not gonna bore you with that 'cause I don't really know anyone else that is as turned on by learning about the origin of the English language as I am.

Rub a Dub

2010-01-08T04:04:00.003-07:00

I've never been one to take baths. In fact, there was one point in my life when I generally didn't like getting wet, whether it was in the shower, swimming pool, sprinklers... Ah, the smelly years. Anyway, at this point in my life, I very much enjoy hot showers, but never baths. As I was perusing the skin care aisle at the grocery store to find something that would make my scales turn into skin, I found an oatmeal treatment to sooth dry and itchy skin, specifying eczema as an example. It required me to soak in the tub. I decided to try it because lotion and I are at odds right now due to the fact it resists when I put clothes on, which is no good 'cause I already have to dance into my pants due to the increased size of my booty (I know, you didn't think it was possible for it to get any bigger). So on to my point...

Next time you see me, expect me to look (and probably act) about 90 years old because I am spending every spare moment I have soaking in the tub, watching Law and Order: SVU, and NOT BEING ITCHY!

Bullet Recap

2010-01-06T02:29:00.002-07:00

There is too much to tell and not enough motivation driving me to tell it eloquently, so I will use bullet points.

-I am very stressed.

-I passed all of my classes even though I got some major anxiety during finals and skipped out on writing a big paper. If I wasn't incredibly embarrassed about this, I would thank my generous professor. For now, I'm just praying I don't run into her out of shame.

-One of my good friends and B-world coworkers has cancer. He's one of my favorite people and I really miss him at work. He has a lot of bills to pay and no money to pay them with, so if you can, help him out by coming to this awesome event: milobenefit.com. Velo City Bags is donating a bag for the raffle.

-I know I'm technically on winter break, but I could really really really use a real break. Did I mention I'm stressed?

-Speaking of stress and disease, I got eczema when I permanently moved to Salt Lake about two years ago and it is the worst it has ever been right now. Maybe I'm sharing too much, but I'm a little self-conscious about it because I have ugly red dry patches covering my hands, arms, legs and face that itch uncontrollably. So if you see me itching through my scarf and gloves as I ride my bike, or catch a glimpse of my crusty red fingers as I pour you a beer at B-world, don't treat me like a leper. It's not contagious, it just looks like I fight poison ivy in my spare time.

-I've decided that after I graduate and save enough money, I'm going to try to do one of those teaching English gigs abroad for a year or so. Teaching has never been my thing, but it definitely could be if I get to travel.

And in conclusion... drum roll please....

-I am no longer single! There are a lot of disappointed people out there, both because I'm no longer available, and because of my choice in boyfriend. It sucks that I have so little support on this, but I understand everyone's concern. Unfortunately, like my dad used to say to me when I asked to do something he didn't want me to do, "you're going to do what you want anyway." That's right. What matters to me is that he is the only thing putting a smile on my face during these stressful times, so that's all that should matter to the rest of you!

School starts in a few days and though I know it's going to bring me more stress, I received all of my books this week and looking through them, I'll admit I'm excited for my Theory of Race class, Intermediate Guitar, and Killer Scripts!

Esther Meroño and the Major of Doom

2009-12-07T00:10:00.004-07:00

I was just putting my poetry portfolio together for this semester and I can't decide whether my poetry is getting better or worse. My professor this semester was much more critical than any other creative writing teachers I've had, but she didn't run me down as hard as other kids in my class during workshop and I have a lot of checks and some check pluses on the poems she's handed back to me. Is that good? Sometimes I wish there was some kind of objective machine you could run your poetry through that would tell you whether your stuff was any good or not and thoroughly explain why. I'm going on five years of college with a focus on poetry this whole time and I still don't know what good poetry is. Out of the 15 or so poems, I don't feel like there's really anything epic. Not in the Homer sense, more like Dickinson epic. I guess I did find out I'm prone to punchlines. That's at least helpful.

I have this terrible feeling that come May I'm going to find myself holding my bachelor's degree and wishing it was all of my tuition money instead so I can run away and become Indiana Jones.

Sometimes I Just Don't Say Hi

2009-12-04T08:24:00.002-07:00

People I thought about this week:

Nada
Anne
Tom-I really really need to give you back your humidifier.
Davey
Reetu
Milo
Debbie
Jessica

I still remember. Even if I've disappeared. I'll be back soon.