Not really sure where to begin on this one. I've been at a loss for words lately in my everyday life and it's left me with an excess of emotion just bubbling to get out. My attempts at suppressing and controlling everything I feel have been mildly successful thus far, but I can see it turning into a cartoon cliche soon. You know, the one where a hole gets poked in the water tank and someone sticks their finger in it, but the water finds its way out of another hole and another until there are no more fingers and toes left and the pressure's built up so much that it just blows up and everyone drowns... I kid I kid, I don't think things are to the point where my cartoon life would end in tragedy, in fact, it might be a good kind of wet if that water tank blew up.
Back to the crisis for a minute. I think the root of it stems from a kind of schizophrenic battle going on between two opposing parts of my personality. There's the responsible, career-driven, organized and careful Esther, and struggling to break through is the hedonistic, risk-taking, care-free Esther. These two have been at odds with each other since my teenage years, but they seemed to have found a balance for a while and were satisfied with the path they chose to follow together. The problem now is that the road has forked, and not only do they want to go their separate ways, but they both have incredibly good arguments as to why I should follow one or the other. (I'm not entirely sure where the third Esther fits into all of this... maybe just an empty specter tagging along behind.)
I'll be completely honest here, though the responsible Esther is telling me to shut up as she often does, hedonistic Esther is winning me over. Maybe it's because her hedonism has turned more Epicurean (thank you, Kyle) and my overwhelmed and over-worked mind is begging for a simple life. You'd think responsible Esther would give me a break, but she's the one forcing me to be productive, to think about my future and finances and all the things I dread about growing older. She's the one that keeps reminding me of little Esther, who had big dreams and a ten-year plan that ended with me on Oprah. Happy-go-lucky Esther wants me to forget all of that, quit my jobs, apply for a bunch of credit cards and spend the next five years traveling the world.
Thus the crisis. Instead of dealing with it, I'm staying as busy as possible. I don't know what to do with my life, so I'm doing everything. I'm taking flamenco classes, organizing bike events, working any and every job offered to me, taking on assignments and saying yes yes YES! to anything that will keep me preoccupied... oh and eating. Boy, am I eating. I need to substitute some of that gnawing with running.
These are my fingers and toes that I keep plugging up the holes in the water tank with. Oh shit, I'm getting lonely, better stick a finger in it! (Jesus, you guys are perverts.)
I guess we'll just have to see whether the explosion ends in catastrophe or leads to glorious freedom.
0 comments:
Post a Comment