Urine Trouble

Well, I cleared my background check. Looks like my life of crime has been buried deep enough it won't be affecting my copywriting career. I also had to go to this really sketch lab to pee in a cup to prove I'm not a junkie... and this is how that went:

So I'm riding my bike to the address on this form I had to print out and end up on this little street lined with trashy shop windows and neon signs. I thought maybe I'd read the address wrong, 'cause I expected to end up at a medical facility to pee in a cup, but I hadn't... Watching a couple of scantily clad women with droopy perms walk out of one of the shops, I looked up and found I'd reached my destination. A couple of guys in tank tops sat parked in a truck laughing and watched me as I locked up my bike to a sign post. Hoping it'd be a quick in-and-out, I walked inside to the depressing facility, wondering whether my Kilo would still be out there when I returned.

Basically the "lab" consists of a waiting room lit like an office with fluorescent lights over a cream-tiled floor. Most of the chairs are plastic and off-white, making the entire room a little lifeless. They have one of  those standard office water jugs with the paper cone cups in one corner of the room and across from it, a black and blue vending machine that seems to add to the greyness of the room rather than brighten it. At the very end is a counter with a few desks and computers behind it and miserable-looking people in blue scrubs behind them.

I walked to the counter and a very pregnant and discontent woman sat down at the computer to help me. I wasn't sure how to word the reason for my visit. "I'm here to get tested" seemed more appropriate for Planned Parenthood and validated a whisper, so I went with "I'm here to take a test" which made it sound a little more like I was there to take my SATs and made me feel better about speaking up. She asked me if I'd been there before, which was a little curious. I mean, it's not a health care clinic, why would someone be making regular visits? Without smiling once at my cheerful demeanor, the woman typed some things on the computer, handed me a receipt and told me to sit down. I picked a chair as far away from everyone as I could and tried not to drown in beige.

She called me up after only a few minutes and asked if I was ready to go, to which I said yes without thinking that she probably meant whether I was ready to GO. I wonder how long most people take waiting in the lobby until they feel an urge. I can't see myself being inspired to do much in that lighting. Preggers walked me to the back where there's an open room with two sinks. She tells me to put my stuff away, so I stick my phone in my bag, but then she looks at my giant backpack and says "oh..." and contorts her face, a huge relief from her stony frown. I'm used to being looked at suspiciously when I've got my Velo City Bag on. People get nervous when  you're walking around their store, touching things with a theft mobile on your back. So I took it off before she said anything and suggested she put it behind the counter. Acting like it was her idea to begin with, she tells me to stick it behind the counter and wash my hands... yeeeeah. Anyway, I turn around and she has disappeared into, I assume, one of the white doors surrounding the sink room. So I stand in the middle of the room trying hard not to look awkward in front of the two guys in scrubs sitting on chairs in the hallway, especially the one with the sickly complexion and tattoo on his neck who keeps staring at me. Thwarting eye contact is one of my many awkward skills.

So after waiting around like an asshole for a minute, I hear an impatient voice behind me say "you can come in here now" and trace it to a room with a single toilet and Preggers inside holding out a plastic cup. I immediately panic. Oh my god, is she going to watch me pee?! Is that how this works?! I start to sweat a little and try to remember what the state of affairs looks like downtown, trying to think of the situation as a pap smear with no fingers and forceps. Preggers then demands I pull up my shirt and show her my belly and my back. I do it immediately, hoping this isn't going to be a repeat of that one time at In The Venue... However, her hands did not cup my privates from behind and breathing with relief, I showed her my ankles as well. After giving me instructions, which included not flushing the toilet after I was done with my business, that I only had two minutes to give a sample and she'd be right outside the whole time, the door closed and I was left alone with the cup. Ok, I've done this a hundred times, no big deal, I thought. It'll take me like two seconds 'cause I needed to pee the whole way here. So down my pants went and squatting over the toilet (I never ever sit on toilets that aren't my own) I... did nothing. Oh shit (well, not literally). Is this how guys feel in the urinal. Is this stage fright? I started sweating again. Too bad they needed a urine sample and not other fluids. It had probably only been 30 seconds but I was starting to panic again, wondering how pissed Preggers would be if I told her the pressure was too much. She'd probably think I was on drugs. I've never done drugs in my life! This should be so easy! A few breaths and some mental clarity later, the cup was full and I was back on my Kilo.

This job really better be worth the anxiety that caused me.