Stage 1 Epiphed

"Dating-the first stage of the human mating ritual."

My friend Terra posted that as her Facebook status the other day, attributing it to Apples to Apples. Who knew that a card game could speak such truth?

I recently had an epiphany relating to men and dating. It literally happened over the course of a day, becoming even more realized after I saw "Eat, Pray, Love." Yeah, I know I know, I'm making fun of me, too.  So, what is it that I came to epiph (by the power invested in me as a holy copywriter, that is now a word) so abruptly? You know how I love to ramble, so let's start from the beginning you've heard so many times now.

I've been used and abused by the same guy for on-and-off four years now. Some people may try to comfort me by telling me it's not my fault, blah blah blah, but I'm the one who chose to go back all those times. It's hard for me to pinpoint why exactly. I always thought it was 'cause I was in love, but I think deep down inside, it was really 'cause I was afraid. Can you blame me? (Redirecting responsibility, oh I'm sly.) Humans are inherently evil. It makes sense to stick with a villain you know and can predict rather than risk the instability of a new one. Still, one letdown after yet another and another, whether predictable or not, doesn't exactly leave you untouched. I thought my breaking point had come and gone about a hundred times. I mean, I felt pretty broken. I found ways to pick myself up, though, and the cycle would repeat itself.

One day, it finally came--my "that's enough" moment. It was pretty bad. After years of close friends watching you repeat this destructive cycle, you start keeping things to yourself, downplaying tragedies, out of sheer embarrassment. Those last couple of times were the worst to deal with because they were dealt with alone. However, that also allowed for some introspection and eventually, the epiphany. See, enough-is-enough wasn't a breaking point this time, it was a breakTHROUGH point.

Where is this going... Let's get back to epiphing. Basically, I realized that my actions were inconsistent with my words, which were inconsistent with my thoughts. This is something I've had trouble with since I hit puberty, really. This year I promised myself to balance things out, and I've been successful (my boobs are even catching up to my butt!) except for when it comes to dating and the ex--until now!

This is where "Eat, Pray, Love" comes in. Say what you will about it, but I left the theater with a grin on my face and a settled stomach, which is how I say what others would call "peace in my heart." Funny enough, it's not Julia Robert's character that I related to, but her ex-husband. *Spoiler Alert* Basically she divorces him 'cause she's just not all that into him and their marriage, and he freaks out 'cause he's still in love with her. So, they share this really cheesy surreal scene near the end that I bawled through, where he says that he loves her and misses her, and she replies with something like "So? Send love and light my way every time you think of me, but move on." That scene, combined with her own journey and search for balance, helped me bring my epiphany full circle, which I believe started with the acquisition of my new job.

Basically what I'm trying to say is, that I feel quite whole right now. I don't have a boyfriend, my body pillow is the only consistent cuddle buddy in my life right now, I'm not going on copious amounts of dates, and my ex is out of my life for good. A year ago, two months ago, for that matter, I wouldn't have been ok with all of that, but my actions are finally matching up with my words and all the stuff that's going on in my head. I am the most me I've been in a long time, in every way.

I'm going to let that soak in for a little while, but I think it has some grand implications in relation to my dating life. If the right guy comes along, giving it some time, I think I'll finally be ready for stage two and beyond of the "human mating ritual." Also, I'll be able to weed out the villains a little better. In fact, I already got rid of one! I know run-ins with villains will be inevitable, but my power levels are at one-hundred percent now, so bring out the big guns bad boys!